Bon Appetit!

OT: Exodus 11-12

Exodus 11

God’s like, “Ok, Moses, this is the last plague, I promise, and after this Pharaoh will let you go because I’ll stop making him stubbornly refuse to let you go. Get all your peeps to ‘borrow’ expensive jewelry from their neighbors.” God makes the Egyptians super gullible so they give all their shit away. Also, Egyptian officials come honor Moses instead of being like “thanks so much for ruining our lives.” Moses warns everyone that the oldest child in every non-Israelite family will die at midnight. “Then you’ll be sorry!”

Exodus 12


God’s like “Ok, Moses and Aaron, get out your pencils or quills or whatever. The Jewish calendar starts NOW! This is the first month, and on the fourteenth day of this month, you all have to slaughter lambs and smear their blood all over your doors and eat their flesh with matzo and bitter herbs. Also you have to eat all this really fast. Bon appetit! Then I’ll come and kill the firstborn child in all the non-bloody houses, so make sure you don’t forget the blood part, because I am not smart enough to know which houses are which just from my whole omniscience thing, so I might get confused and murder your children if you don’t smear baby animal blood all over your house! The whole system is very intuitive. You’ll catch on. Also you have to celebrate this wonderful time every year by eating only matzo and no squishy bread.” Moses tells everyone about the plan and they are all like “yeah that makes a lot of sense” and worship God and follow the instructions.

Don't worry. It gets a lot more appetizing by the third or fourth glass of wine.

God kills a kid in every Egyptian house at midnight, and in the morning everyone is understandably quite upset. Pharaoh summons Moses and Aaron and is like “FINE. I GIVE UP. LEAVE. GO AWAY. GO FAR FAR AWAY. TAKE ALL YOUR ANIMALS AND CHILDREN AND WHATEVER. GO HAVE YOUR RAVE.” But before they leave he adds, “And bring a blessing on me as well!” (32). So all the Israelites have to pack up and leave stat, and for some reason every one of them is in the middle of making bread and has to take the dough with them before it has time to rise. Also they rob the Egyptians blind. The hundreds of thousands of Israelites flee into the desert with their animals and their dough and their stolen jewelry and travel to Succoth. God reminds Moses and Aaron that Jews have to celebrate Passover annually forever, and warns them that uncircumcised men are not allowed the pleasure of eating dry crackers and bitter herbs and saltwater with them. Bummer!


Thank god we’re done with all the back and forth about the plagues.


The moment I stop sympathizing with the 430 years of slavery is the moment when a child in every single Egyptian household dies. Revenge != justice.

NT: Matthew 21-22

Sorry guys, my thesis is getting real since my draft is due on Friday. So we might end up with a big old New Testament pile-up on Saturday and Sunday. But never fear! We shall keep on keeping on!


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