This Thing about Atheists and Genocide

Reblogged from Rogue Priest:

In this post I’m going to try to construct a rather nuanced point, that requires more than two steps of logical reasoning to get from the premises to the conclusion.

I’m told that people have a hard time following such reasoning, but I have a lot of faith in Rogue Priest readers so I’m going to try it anyway.

The Problem…

Read more… 1,066 more words

Hey all! Drowning in school work, as per usual. Look out for a post tomorrow on The Unelectables and NonProphet Status covering the Reason Rally, which I attended last weekend instead of doing my homework. To tide you over - and to appease anybody who might be laboring under the misconception that I am more critical of religious arguments than I am of atheistic ones - enjoy this fantastic piece by the Rogue Priest.

Running in Flip-Flops

NT: Matthew 25

Remember how I said we were going double-time? Then I realized that Matthew 25 has one of my favorite Bible bits ever and I would need to gush about it for a long time. Also, that it was 2:45 am. Also, that people probably don’t read my whole post when it’s four hundred pages long. (Okay, so I actually realized that a long time ago.) Since I don’t want any of you to OD on my snark, I might experiment with a modicum of self-control and try out some shorter posts for a while. This would probably mean spilling over the originally designated one-year time frame, but I’m willing to be a little bit flexible about that – but not too flexible, because part of the point of this whole thing is to bring myself (and whatever tenacious barnacles who have clung on for the ride) up to a respectable level of Biblical competency in a reasonable amount of time.

This is you. Look, you're kind of cute! You look sort of like pistachios. I love pistachios. It's a good thing. I promise.

What do barnacles even cling to? Whales? Ships? Whatever it is, I promise it was meant to be a compliment to you, my brave little barnacle-readers. It’s too late to back down. I’m just going to have to own this metaphor. If Lady Gaga can have Little Monsters, I can have my barnacles, dammit.

Matthew 25

We’re still talking about the kingdom of heaven, which is getting weirder and weirder. Here’s Jesus’s latest enlightening metaphor:

The kingdom of heaven is like ten bridesmaids who each have an oil lamp. Five of them are smart and have oil in their lamps, and five of them are stupid and have oilless oil lamps. The groom is going to pick them up but he’s late so they all fall asleep. When he comes, the smart ones are ready, but the dumb aren’t because they have no oil, so they ask for oil from the smart ones, but the smart ones tell the dumb ones to suck it and go buy their own damn oil. While the dumb ones are out oil-shopping, the groom leaves with the smart bitches. When the dumb ones show up to the wedding late, the groom is like, “Fuck off, I don’t know you.”

…Yeah, that sounds awesome. Sign me up.

Next:

Before a guy goes out of town, he gives some money to each of his servants, and the amount he gives him is directly correlated with how good they are at servanting. But I guess he was only giving them the money for safekeeping, because when he comes home, he demands his money back. The servants who got fives coins and two coins respectively proudly tell him that they invested it and made a profit. (It’s unclear who keeps this profit, the servants or the master.) The master congratulates them. But the servant who only got one coin reports that he buried it in the ground, and the master scolds him for being lazy. The master says that people who have much will get more and people who have little will get nothing. He banishes the lazy servant into the “darkness” where people are “weeping and grinding their teeth” (30).

Sounds like a kingdom for the 1%. No thanks!

This whole ordeal has really problematized my assumptions about Scrooge McDuck's interiority.

Also, can we please reach a verdict on the status of the whole usury thing? The master tells his “lazy” servant, “you should have turned my money over to the bankers so that when I returned, you could give me what belonged to me with interest” (27). I have always heard that usury was allowed in Judaism but forbidden in Christianity, but I discovered in my last post that Exodus 22 (in the Torah) contains a commandment forbidding usury, and now here’s Matthew 24 (in the New Testament) shaming somebody for not embracing it. Whaaat?

Who could even think of sending these adorablobs into darkness and hellfire?!

Jesus tells everyone that when the Human One returns, he will separate good from bad people like sheep from goats. The righteous will “inherit the kingdom that was prepared for [them] before the world began” and enjoy “eternal life” (34, 46), but the jerks will be sent into “the unending fire” of “eternal punishment” (41, 46). Harsh.

BUT here is also one of the most beautiful, gorgeous, inspiring parts of the Bible that I LOVE. Like, definitely more than the Beatitudes. Jesus explains to the righteous what they have done to gain entrance to the kingdom: “I was hungry and you gave me food to eat….I was a stranger and you welcomed me….I was sick and you took care of me. I was in prison and you visited me” (35-36). The righteous people are confused and are like, “I think I’d remember if I visited God in prison…nope, not ringing a bell. Wtf?” And Jesus responds, “I assure you that when you have done it for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you have done it for me” (40).

YES.

YES.

YES.

So, first of all, the list of charitable acts is nice, because not only does it cover the basics (obviously it is good to feed the hungry) but also emphasizes the importance of treating the people on the margins of society with dignity and respect, even when it might make you feel uncomfortable: welcoming strangers, caring for the ill, etc. I am especially a fan of the visiting of the prisoners, because we tend to be really bad at extending sympathy and support and respect and helping hands to people who we perceive to have erred. But we all fuck up. We should be lifting those who fall down, even if we know they were running in flip-flops and kind of had it coming.

But verse 40 is even better. In fact, Matthew 25:40 is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. This is one of many verses describing how strongly God identifies with humans. One of the things that’s so alluring about the Jesus story is the idea of a God who not only loved and sympathized with humanity, but actually experienced humanness firsthand, and lived as a human, and suffered as a human, and died as a human. In this instance, Jesus calls upon humans to treat each other as though every one of us was a god. Every single one. All the starving people: gods. All the orphans: gods. All the annoying old ladies: gods. All the bullies: gods. All the bullied: gods. All the prisoners: gods. All the judges: gods. All the people you disagree with: gods. All the hypocrites: gods. All the assholes: gods. You: god.

YES.

This actually reminds me a bit of Hinduism – “namaste” literally means “the divinity in me recognizes and honors the divinity in you.” I mean, the details depend on the translation, but no matter how you slice it, that is some serious syllabic-semantic economy.

Anyway. I don’t think this is necessarily the original intended meaning of the verse, but part of what I like so much about it is that it puts humanity on an equal footing with god. If you treat your fellow humans any worse than you would treat god himself, you’re not valuing them sufficiently. And this is really what Humanism means to me. I gave up theism – belief in god, love of god, awe of god – for Humanism – belief in humanity, love of humanity, awe of humanity.

Highlights

WE ARE GREAT, YOU GUYS.

I love us.

Lowlights

One important caveat to the badassery of humanity: I do think people have a tendency to be kind of speciesist about this whole thing. Homo sapiens is not the only awesome organism rocking our world. There are plenty of others who also deserve our attention, love, awe, and especially our respect. We should work on that.

Shit Jealous Gods Say

Okay dudes and dudettes!

Thank you for bearing with me through all the thesis and then all the midterms and then all the barren internetlessness of spring break. We are now on double-time as we catch up from all of that nonsense. So I’m pretty sure that means I’m twice as likely to be saved now.

…Then again, if memory serves, zero times two is still zero.

OT: Exodus 21-24

Exodus 21

More rules from God!

Hebrew men can be slaves, but only for six years – which makes them more like indentured servants, really. But if the time comes and they say they don’t want to be set free, their masters should pierce their ears and then keep them forever. Also, if a slave’s master provides him with a spouse, he doesn’t get to take her with him when he is set free; his wife and any children they have together belong to the master. Hebrew women can also become slaves if their fathers sell them into slavery, but unlike men, they can’t be set free unless their masters stop feeding them.

This may look horrific, but don't worry - it's A-OK with God!

Anybody who hits someone, kills someone, kidnaps someone, or curses their parents should be put to death – presumably by their community, since God is talking to the Israelites as a group here. However, “if the killing wasn’t on purpose but an accident allowed by God” (13) the killer should run away to a safe haven designated by God. What exactly is “an accident allowed by God?” Again, if God chooses what to “allow” and what not to allow, why allow anybody to be killed? Is it really an accident if God “allowed” it, or is it part of this mysterious “plan” I always hear so much and yet so little about? (As Saint Eddie Izzard said, “If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”)

If two people are fighting with each other and one is crippled but not killed, the other won’t be punished as long as they pay disability benefits and medical costs, basically. If a slave owner beats one of his slaves (of either gender) to death, “the owner should be punished” (20), but the punishment is not specified. “But if the slave gets up after a day or two, the slave owner shouldn’t be punished because the slave is the owner’s property” (21). Um…so, I’m going to continue to ignore the horrifying fact that most of the political power in my country belongs to people who sincerely believe that God wrote a book explicitly and unequivocally endorsing slavery. Besides that minor issue, though, isn’t this just plain inconsistent? If the slave is the owner’s property and therefore can be beaten, why doesn’t that ownership extend to killing? Also, it says a few lines later that if a slave owner knocks out his slave’s eye or tooth, he has to let them go free; but how does that jive with the owner’s right to beat the slave senseless?

This might be my favorite part so far: “When people who are fighting injure a pregnant woman so that she has a miscarriage but no other injury occurs, then the guilty party will be fined what the woman’s husband demands, as negotiated with the judges” (22). Yes, the correct response to miscarriage is for the husband and the (presumably also male) judges to quantify the worth of the unborn child. Is this also why abortion is wrong? Because children are valuable financial assets to their fathers? It’s destruction of property? Yes, yes, I know the usual argument against abortion is based on the child’s rights, but this verse really makes the fetus sound more like its father’s property than an end in itself. Oh, well, at least between the fetus, the father, and the judges, we’ve covered all the people who could possibly be affected by this case. Because, as Saint Colbert famously wrote in his fourteenth century treatise on health justice, “a woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”

If an ox skewers somebody lethally, the ox will be killed, but not the owner. But if the ox is a repeat offender and the owner didn’t put the kibosh on his bullshit before, the ox AND the owner will be executed (but the owner can ransom himself if he’s rich enough). If the ox just kills a slave, the owner has to compensate the slave’s owner with thirty shekels. It’s good to know how much a human life is worth, although I wish I had some kind of shekels-to-dollars exchange rate that accounted for inflation.

Also, if somebody digs a hole and some other dude’s animal falls into it and dies, the hole-digger has to compensate the animal-owner, “but he may keep the dead animal” (34). Also, if my ox kills your ox, I have to sell my ox and we split the earnings and the dead ox, unless your ox was a douchebag, I still have to repay you, but I get to keep your whole dead ox.

Exodus 22

Okay, I’m tired and jet lagged and I honestly don’t give a shit how many shekels a dead ox is worth. But God cares very much and metes out a bunch of rules accordingly.

And when are his office hours?

If a thief is killed by the owner of some stuff he’s trying to steal, the owner is okay, unless it’s daytime, in which case the owner is guilty. Also if a thief is caught and can’t pay for what he stole, he will be sold into slavery to cover the cost. There are also a lot of rules about damage caused by escaped and/or dismembered animals and accidental fires and such. Also, in any cases of ambiguity, “both parties should come before God,” and “the one whom God finds at fault” will be punished (9). Oh, right. I’ll just pop on over to his house and knock on the door, shall I? Or should I email his secretary for an appointment first?

Then we get some really great stuff in rapid fire.

• If a dude fucks a single lady, he has to put a ring on it. Also, pay her father.
• “Don’t allow a female sorcerer to live” (18).
• Sex with animals –> death.
• Worshiping other gods –> death.
• Don’t douche out on immigrants because you were all immigrants once.
• Don’t douche out on orphans because that’s supreme assholery and I will fuck you up.
• Don’t charge interest on loans. [Wait a minute. This is in the Torah. So why did Jews give loans with interest for so long while Christians were revolted by usury?]
• Don’t steal people’s clothes when they lend them to you. [Chelsey Faloona, I'm looking at you and my striped polo. On an unrelated note, I still have your pink Converse. Sorry.]
• Don’t hoard your wine. “Give me your oldest son” (29). [FYI, those are in the same verse.]
• Don’t eat dead shit you find in the forest.

Exodus 23

Picking up where we left off…

• Don’t be a lying asshole.
• Don’t scheme like a scheming schemer.
• Don’t be a puppet of the 1%.
• If you find a lost donkey, bring it home.
• Yes, even if the donkey is own by somebody you don’t like.
• Seriously, don’t be a lying asshole.
• Don’t take bribes.
• Remember, don’t fuck with immigrants, because you were immigrants.
• Share your shit with poor people and animals.
• Remember to chill out on the seventh day.
• Do what I say.
• “Don’t call on the names of other gods. Don’t even mention them” (13). And don’t try to text them under the table when I’m not looking. And unfriend them, and unfollow them on twitter, and remove them from your gchat friends list. What was that sound? No, don’t try to talk over it. I see what you’re doing. Your phone beeped. Is that her? Did Juno text you again? She texted you, didn’t she? Delete it. No, right now. No, where I can see it. You texted her back, didn’t you? Are you trying to make a fool of me? Are you taking me for granted? Don’t you dare take me for granted! I am beautiful! You don’t deserve me! You disgust me! I hate you! Why would you lie to me? Don’t you love me anymore? Do you think I’m pretty? Why don’t you ever look in my eyes when we make love? #shitjealousgodssay
• You should fête me constantly. At least three times a year, in fact. Especially for Passover.
• Sacrifice shit to me. And do it right.
• “Don’t boil a young goat in its mother’s milk” (19). [I'm guessing this is where the no-dairy-with-meat thing comes from?]

Then God’s like, “I’m going to send a messenger to lead everyone to the promised land. Do what he says. If you fuck with him, I will fuck with you. I am going to genocide the shit out of all the other peoples around here; you should destroy their temples and definitely not cheat on me with their gods. If you worship me,” God promises (and this is the real text), “I’ll take sickness away from you, and no woman will miscarry or be infertile” (25-26). Oh right, I almost forgot – Jews never get sick or have miscarriages! But seriously, is the catch that nobody worships him correctly and so nobody gets these benefits? If so, God is kind of like the sleaziest of sleazy insurance salesmen. Anyway, God keeps repeating that he will destroy everyone else and that the Israelites had better not cheat on him.

Exodus 24

Then God’s like, “Moses, I want you to come worship me up close, and I want 73 other dudes to worship me a little farther away, and everybody else should just hang back.” Moses tells everyone all the laws and they’re like “ok sounds like a plan.” Moses wrote down all the laws, which he memorized as they were told to him, apparently. Then he built an altar and twelve pillars (one for each tribe of Israel). People threw some blood around and burned some shit and called it a covenant. Then Moses and the 73 dudes go see God, who’s standing on some shiny blue tiles, and they all eat together. God calls Moses up to the mountain so he can give him the commandments on stone tablets. Moses and his sidekick Joshua go up to the mountain, leaving Aaron and Hur to deal with whatever shenanigans go down in their absence. Moses goes up the mountain and God comes down to the mountain and they hang out there for forty days and forty nights.

Highlights

A lot of the rules are pretty legit, but the good parts could basically be summed up by the Golden Rule. I guess the Sermon on the Mount is like the SparkNotes version?

Lowlights

Slavery and misogyny and brutality, oh my! Also, the general rule of punishment is “a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot, a burn for a burn, a bruise for a bruise, a wound for a wound” (21:23-25). Which is a really unstable “justice” system. That’s how Romeo and Juliet happens. Not cool.

Don’t Stop Believing!

Remember how I was going to be super cool and catch up on all my blogging as soon as I finished my thesis, without any regard for the fact that my thesis was followed by a week of midterms?

Yeah no. I’m sorry about my overweening ambition.

I’m headed out of town tomorrow for ten days, with intermittent internet access. I’ll do what I can. But I swear to god (har har) that when I return from spring break, I am going to be all up on the Bible. Okay?

Please don’t give up on me! Keep the faith!

The Rapture Will Not Be Televised

Cool Thing of the Day: This. Many of you know my good friend and co-blogger Walker Bristol. He works with me at both NonProphet Status and The Unelectables (which, by the way, will also be returning triumphantly pretty soon). He recently did a fantastic interview with Taylor Muse of the amazing Humanist band (yes, those exist!) Quiet Company, which was published in The New Humanist. Check it out!

NT: Matthew 24

Matthew 24

As Jesus is leaving the temple with his posse in tow, he prophesies that the whole thing will be demolished. Dun-dun-dunnn!!!

Then Jesus goes and sits on “the Mount of Olives” (3), which is almost certainly a reference to my favorite middle eastern take-out place in Evanston, Illinois. Jesus’s followers are like “So, you know all that terrible shit you keep talking about? When exactly is all that scheduled to go down? Cause I made a waxing appointment for Thursday, and it’s fine if I have to move it back, but, you know, I figured I should just check.” And Jesus is like, “James, what the fuck do you wax?” And James is like, “What? I have very expressive eyebrows! Who are you do judge me?!” And Jesus is like, “I’m fuckin’ God. It’s my job.” And James is like, “Oh. Right.”

…So.

...And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

The disciples ask when shit’s going to get real. And Jesus is like, “A bunch of people are going to claim to be the Christ. Most of them will be lying. Don’t be fooled. There will be wars and natural disasters and people will hate you and kill you and everyone will betray each other and everything is going to generally suck. But anyone who makes it to the end gets salvation and a free t-shirt!” And everyone’s like “Oh, that sounds like a sweet deal. I’m down.”

Then Jesus warns that “When you see the disgusting and destructive thing that Daniel talked about standing in the holy place” (15), everyone has to flee to the mountains. You will not be able to stay home, brother. There will be no time to go home and pack up. Do not attempt to take your luggage with you. Put on your own mask before assisting others. Jesus suggests that people “pray that it doesn’t happen in winter or on the Sabbath day” (20). What would be so especially bad about it happening on the Sabbath? Because you wouldn’t be able to carry your children with you because you’re not allowed to carry things on the Sabbath? But I thought Jesus told people not to split hairs over that stuff if it interferes with the big picture.

Anyway, he warns again that there will be lots of false prophets, “and they will offer great signs and wonders” (24) in order to trick people. Interestingly, Jesus offers no criteria by which to differentiate himself from one of those deceivers. Hm.

The Sign of the Human One

After everyone runs away from the disgusting thing, the moon and sun will go dark (eclipse?) and stars will fall from the sky (meteor shower?) and planets will be shaken (earthquake?). Next, “the sign of the Human One will appear in the sky” (30). Then everyone will be sad and angels will come round up the faithful.

Then it’s time for a parable! We were probably overdue for one of those. When the fig tree gets leafy, you know summer is coming. Similarly, when shit gets real, you know Jesus is coming. Specifically, Jesus promises that it is happening very soon: “I assure that this generation won’t pass away until all these things happen” (34).

Um…

Mm.

I can’t help noticing that most of the people who were alive at the time that Jesus [supposedly] said that have, in fact, passed away. And by “passed away” I mean “died,” because “passed away” is a stupid euphemism that just makes it hurt worse. Sugarcoating death doesn’t help anyone. They didn’t go anywhere else. They’re not off on a vacation. They just died. </rant>

Anyway, it looks like an extremely key part of Jesus’s prediction has failed in an epic way – which should, I think, call the rest of it into question…right? Anybody know how people explain this bit away?

Jesus goes on to promise that nobody will know when he is coming. You’ll just be going about your day, running errands, when BOOM! Rapture. I guess Harold Camping and William Miller missed that part. Whoops!

To the people who believe that God is coming and who do as they’re told, God will give all his possessions. But the people who don’t believe he’s coming, and who sit around and “eat and drink with the drunks” (49), will be fucked. (Um, didn’t Jesus say a few chapters ago that he doesn’t like when people give him shit for hanging out with drunkards? Pot…kettle?) God will come around when nobody’s expecting it – BOOM! rapture – and “will cut them in pieces and put them in a place with the hypocrites. People there will be weeping and grinding their teeth” (51). Yeesh. That’s some Brothers Grimm shit.

Highlights

I’m pretty sure Walker’s interview with Taylor Muse was the only positive, life-affirming thing about this post.

Lowlights

Hypocrisy. Cutting people into pieces. Theories with poor predictive power. Four Loko chili.

In Which I Return Triumphantly!

I’M BAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!

I somehow managed to write a thesis since the last time I posted. Today I submitted it and then drank a lot of champagne and then got on a plane and now I’m sitting by myself at JetBlue baggage claim 6 in JFK. Good times.

I MISSED YOU ALL! I am so excited to read more Bible and write more nonsense and then read all YOUR awesome comments, which is one of my favorite parts of this whole thing. Especially Eli’s. I don’t pick favorites, but if I did, I would pick Eli.

So, just so we’re all on the same page: posts will still be short for the next couple of weeks, because I am out of town right now, then have midterms, then I’ll be out of town again for spring break. But after spring break I will start doing longer posts in order to catch up. We should be back on track within a month or two!

OT: Exodus 20

Exodus 20

Oh, this is a fun one to restart with! It’s the Ten Commandments! Which is, as we all know, the foundation for all of human morality. Because, first of all, nobody ever thought of not killing each other before. The reluctance to kill, steal, or cheat definitely does not appear in many other species, or in especially advanced forms in non-human primates, indicating that it actually evolved before we did. Morality certainly does not predate the Bible, let alone humanity itself. Nope. Moreover, we all know that not killing each other is only the sixth most important rule.

So!

God tells the Jews that he’s their god, in case they haven’t figured that out at this point. He warns them not to have any others.

He also instrusts them not to worship any idols. He warns that “I punish children for their parents’ sins even to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me” – but God is love and is more merciful than vengeful! remember that! – “But I am loyal and gracious to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments” (5-6). So, what if my grandfather was loyal, but my father was sinful? Does it even out for me? Actually, I bet there is a catch. Everybody is sinful because of Adam and Eve, so God never has to worry about being nice to a thousand generations of people because everybody fucks up at some point. So really we’re just being punished all the time for the last four generations of sin. Then again, by this logic, shouldn’t the sin of Adam and Eve only lasted three or four generations, instead of spoiling everything for everyone else who ever lived? Or is that an exception because their sin was extra big? It would be really helpful if God could provide me with some kind of flowchart to explain all of this. Right now I feel like I would be unequipped to understand the convolutions without passing the bar first.

So. Don’t use God’s name willy-nilly.

Rest on the seventh day of each week. God actually specifies here that you and everybody in your family has to rest, plus your servants, your animals, and “the immigrant who is living with you” (10). But I know that, for a long time, well-to-do European Jews kept Christian servants so that they could have their houses cleaned seven days a week. Isn’t that breaking the rule?

Then again, it’s a stupid rule. Or, rather, it’s stupidly interpreted. The idea of making time to rest, reflect, and play is a great one. The fervent refusal to touch a light switch for twenty-four hours is just silly - especially when you factor in all the absurd workarounds that Orthodox Jews have adopted. Like, in Israel, there are elevators that are programmed to stop on every floor automatically during Shabbat. That way, people can still ride the elevator without pressing the button. Because obviously the part of the elevator-riding process that God would object to, if any, is not the actual elevator-riding, but the button-pressing. This absurdity is maintained even when it means massively wasting precious environmental resources. Harvard Hillel leaves every light in the building on from Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown. And when all the paper towel dispensers in the Science Center bathrooms were replaced with waste-free electric hand dryers, Jewish students complained and got the tree-killing machines put back in. Really? You can’t just wipe your hands on your pants one day a week? And what are you doing in the Science Center on Saturday (or, god forbid, Friday night) anyway if the whole point is not to do any work?

Jesus Christ.

Next: be nice to your parents. Then we finally get to not killing people. Then, don’t sleep around, don’t take shit that isn’t yours, and don’t be a lying asshole. Cool. I’m on board with all that, mostly. Not sleeping around when you’re in a monogamous relationship is a good call. But if you guys want to do a swinging thing, why not? Do what makes you both/all happy. I’m not gonna judge. Unlike some people. God just doesn’t really want you to have fun, I think. Maybe he’s jealous because he has no friends because he smote them all.

Anyway, to wrap things up, God tells people not to want other people’s stuff. And women are obviously subsumed in the category of stuff. I’m down with the not taking other people’s stuff part, but how can you stop yourself from wanting it? You want what you want. It’s not really a conscious choice. Then again, probably nothing is, because the whole idea of free will is sketchy as hell. But that’s a conversation for another day.

Then God gets all showy and throws thunder and lightning and smoke around to impress everybody. Kind of like the Wizard of Oz. Everyone freaks out and promises to listen to Moses always. God reminds everyone not to make false idols, because that is one of his biggest worries. Because, remember, he is friendless and lonely and jealous.

God wraps up this chapter with one of my favorite sentences so far: “Don’t climb onto my altar using steps: then your genitals won’t be exposed by doing so” (26).

1) So, what are they supposed to use? A ramp?
2) Alternatively, someone could invent underwear. God, I’m looking at you again.
3) Then again, we could all stop flipping out over what people have between their legs. I’m still unclear on why this particular set of equipment is treated any differently from, say, your face, or your armpit, or your earlobe.

Highlights

Not killing people is a really great idea.

Lowlights

It would be even better if God practiced what he preached.

Gah, I had hoped to do a chapter of Matthew too, but my computer is about to die and there are no outlets in sight. In retrospect, I probably should not have run my battery down from listening to “Call Me Maybe” so many times. Oops.

Stay tuned for tomorrow! And thanks for all of your continued support of my harebrained scheme. Remember to subscribe to be notified whenever a new post goes up, and share this on Facebook/Twitter/Google+/MySpace/LiveJournal/Xanga/Friendster/bulletin boards you happen to walk past/small pieces of paper lying on the street/telegrams/any other communication medium you like to use. I love all your comments, so please keep them coming!

Especially Eli!

Announcement + Inspiration

Hey everybody!

I just wanted to post a quick update here. Yes, I have gone six days without posting. No, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. My senior thesis is due in three weeks, three hours, and thirty-four minutes. Until then, I will be posting rarely, if at all. But never fear! I am still completely committed to finishing this project within a year, as planned. I will probably do several weeks of double-length posts to catch up, so you have that to look forward to and/or dread.

In order to tide you over until I resume my heresy, here’s a brilliant short film that Emma Kowal, a freshman at Harvard and member of the Harvard Secular Society, made for the first annual Harvard Interfaith Arts Showcase, which happened last night (and was awesome). As a jaded student in my last year of college, it’s good to be reminded why I came here in the first place: because understanding is, indeed, a kind of ecstasy.

Keep the faith,

Chelsea

Emily Dickinson > God

HEY EVERYBODY I TURNED IN THE FULL DRAFT OF MY THESIS YESTERDAY!!

This has a couple of implications.

1) I will probably graduate! It was touch and go for a while there.

2) Now I can respond to all the emails that have been languishing in my inbox for the past couple of weeks. If you’re one of those poor neglected souls, please accept my apologies.

3) It’s time to get Biblical again! This weekend, as promised, I’ll be publishing a couple of gargantuan catching-up posts. So grab some snacks or roll a joint or something, because we’re going to be here for a while.

OT: Exodus 15-19

Exodus 15

Moses & co., to celebrate the deaths of hundreds upon hundreds of their fellow human beings, sing a happy song! It goes a little something like this.

Yay! God drowned all the Egyptians!
God’s the man. He saved us. We like him.
Did I mention that he drowned all the Egyptians?
Sometimes he kills people!
He “shatters the enemy” and “burns them up like straw” (6-7)!
Isn’t that cool?
Also, he just drowned a bunch of people.
People were chasing us,
But he drowned them all.
Who else is as cool as God? Nobody!
He led us to safety.
He scared all our enemies away.
He brought us to our homeland.
He’ll rule forever.

For good measure, Miriam, Aaron’s and Moses’s sister, leads all the women in dancing and playing tambourines and singing along with the chorus (which is one of the many parts about how God just drowned a bunch of people).

The Moses leads everyone out into the desert. They go three days without finding water, which I’m pretty sure would kill them if this were real life. Then they find somewhere with water, but the water is “bitter” (23). They panic about what to drink. God shows Moses a tree, and Moses somehow intuits from this that he is supposed to throw the tree into the water. For some reason, when he does that, the water turns sweet.

God makes a rule that if the Israelites obey all his commandments, he won’t give them any of the diseases he tormented the Egyptians with. Isn’t that nice? Then the Israelites arrive at an oasis with exactly 12 springs and 70 palm trees, and they camp there. I’m guessing this is somehow symbolic of the fact that 70 members of Jacob’s family, including the 12 sons who founded the 12 tribes of Israel, migrated to Egypt back in the day. See? I’m paying attention.

Exodus 16

They leave the numerology oasis and relocate to the Sin desert, which is confusing because last time I checked they were nowhere near Nevada. By now they’ve been wandering in the desert for like six weeks, and everybody is yelling at Aaron and Moses, saying they were better off back in Egypt where they could sit down and cook their food like normal people and they should have look at a map before they left and we told them to pull over at the next rest stop but no they just had to wait until they got to the one with a Starbucks but here we are an hour later and we still have to pee and no Starbucks so where does that leave us? And Aaron and Moses are like well we only did this because you complained about the whole slavery thing every day so we’re doing this for you but you can’t be satisfied with anything and you were the one who wanted coffee in the first place and it’s your own fault we don’t have bread here because while we were out negotiating with Pharaoh and getting us set free your job was to pack up the food and jewelry and it certainly wasn’t us who told you wait until the last minute to make the bread and now you’re complaining because your bread is too flat and you don’t have coffee and you could feel free to take the lead any time but you’d much rather sit back and keep complaining and for god’s sake quiet down in the backseat because NO WE ARE NOT THERE YET!

Yes, this actually exists.

God sees Moses is in trouble so he’s like “I got you, Moses! I’m gonna make it rain bread.” So he rains bread down on the desert, and it covers the sand in thin flaky layers, like frost, which sounds like it would be really difficult to gather without getting sand all up in your bread. Everybody gathers it anyway and Moses tells them to eat it all and trust that God will send more in the morning, but some people save some just in case, but it becomes infested with worms, or melts in the sun. Gross. But then on sixth day Moses tells everyone to collect double weird-flaky-heaven-bread because tomorrow God is going to rest and won’t rain bread, so they save half and it doesn’t become infested, so they eat the rest the next day. Some people go out to look for more anyway, and God is like “OMG why can’t you just do what I say? I gave you double food for exactly this reason. Go home and rest.” So they do. Apparently the flaky magic bread, which the Israelites call manna, looks like cilantro seeds but tastes like honey wafers. Moses, on God’s instructions, saves a jar of the manna for posterity so future generations can see what the Israelites ate in the desert when they escaped from Egypt. They all wander the desert for forty more years and live off of manna until they finally get to Canaan.

Exodus 17

Wait, now we’re back to the whole wandering-the-desert part. Sigh. So they leave the Sin desert and they don’t have any water and they all complain to Moses and he’s like “why don’t you trust God?!” And they’re like “BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING THIRSTY.” So Moses is like “God, you gotta help me out man!” So God’s like “go on ahead with some elders and use your magic stick to whack a rock and it will squirt water.” Then the Amalekites come fight with the Israelites. Moses tells Joshua to pick some strong men and go fight them, which he does while Moses sits on a hill with his magic stick to watch. Moses quickly figures out that whenever he puts his hand in the air (presumably the one holding the stick), the Israelites start winning the battle, but whenever he puts his hand down, the Amalekites start winning, which is a dumb system if you ask me, since God could just make the battle go however he wants without making Moses wave his hands around. Moses’s arms start getting tired so people get him a rock to sit on and help hold his arms up and then the Israelites win the battle. God tells Moses to write on a scroll that God “will completely wipe out the memory of Amalek” (14) and to read that to Joshua. Not sure why Moses needs to read it to Joshua, or why he can’t just tell Joshua verbally, or why God can’t tell Joshua himself. In any case, it makes no sense since the Amalekites are recorded right here in the Bible, keeping their memory alive for several thousand years. Fail?

Exodus 18

Jethro (Moses’s father-in-law, remember?) hears about what Moses has been up to, and comes to visit him along with Zipporah and her two sons, Gershom and Eliezer. (I think Moses sent his wife and children away to live with Jethro back when shit was getting real with Pharaoh.) Jethro & co. arrive at Moses’s tent and they all catch up with each other and have a grand old time. After the story of the escape, Jethro talks about how much he likes God and says, “Now I know that the LORD is greater than all the gods” (11), again supporting my polytheism theory. Jethro sacrifices to God, and everybody has dinner. The next day, Jethro sees Moses sitting around all day answering people’s questions about God and adjudicating their disagreements and teaching them the commandments. Jethro’s like, “Hey, Moses, this is way too much work for one person. You should pick some other smart people and put them in charge of smaller groups of people. They can bring big difficult questions to you, but mostly they can take care of this stuff without you.” Moses is like “yeah good idea” and appoints his judges accordingly, and bids Jethro adieu.

Exodus 19

This is probably why men can't touch women

Exactly three months after leaving Egypt, the Israelites get to Sinai and set up camp. Moses heads up the mountain and God tells him to tell his peeps that if they obey the commandments they’ll be his favorites. So Moses spreads the news. God tells Moses that, in three days, he’s going to come chat with Moses in front of everyone so they can hear what God says and trust Moses’s authority. In preparation for this, God tells Moses to ready the peeps for his visit by washing all their clothes and such, and tells him to keep the men from having sex with women in the days preceding. God also warns that anybody who touches the mountain during his visit must be put to death, as must anybody who touches the people who have touched the mountain, with stones or arrows. Three days later, God comes down, wrapped in a cloud as disguise; Moses gather the peeps around the mountain to watch while he ascends. God is chilling with Moses on the mountain, but he panics and worries about how many people will die from his own stupid rule about not touching the mountain. Instead of revoking it, like a responsible person, he’s like, “Hey Moses, make sure your peeps don’t touch the mountain!” And Moses is like “nah it’s all good they won’t do that!” And God’s like “Ok, bring Aaron here.”

Highlights

Jethro’s division of labor into lower courts and supreme courts (or what have you) is smart.

Lowlights

Celebrating genocide = not so classy.

OT: Psalms 15-17

Psalm 15

Who gets to chill with you, God? Only perfect people who do the right thing and tell the truth and are nice and hate the wicked and like the faithful and keep promises and lend money without interest. Those people are set for life.

Psalm 16

God, save me, you’re the only good thing in my life. As for those people who thought they were holy but worshiped the wrong God, please fuck them up. I’m not friends with them anymore. You’re all I want. You give me great advice and never lead me astray, so I trust you and I’m happy. You make things great.

Psalm 17

Listen to me! I’m needy! You know me, I don’t mess around. Other people suck but I always obey you. You always do what I want, so do that now! You’re the bomb and you protect your followers. So protect me from my enemies! They’re all around and they want to fuck me up. Kill them! Save me! Hurt them and nurture the people you like more. I know I’ll be rewarded for my awesomeness.

Highlights

Zip. Still hate the psalms.

Take THAT, stupid psalm narrator!

Lowlights

My favorite part of the whining in psalm 17 is, “Rescue me from these people whose only possession is their fleeting life” (14). I think Emily Dickinson responded well to this sentiment when she observed, “That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.” Emily Dickinson: 1; Psalms: 0.

NT: Matthew 22-23

Matthew 22

More parables. FML.

The kingdom of heaven is like a guy who is throwing a party. He invites a bunch of people and prepares a delicious feast for them but they are ungrateful jerks and don’t come and either ignore the invitation or kill the servants who came to invite them. The host gets angry and sets fire to the city where the people who slighted him live. Then he tells his (surviving) servants to go invite everybody they can find on the road to his party because those other people “weren’t worthy” (8). So a bunch of randos come to the party, and the host wanders around his guests. He finds one person who isn’t wearing party-appropriate attire, and asks how he got in. The guy has no answer, so the host tells his servants, “Tie his hands and feet and throw him out into the farthest darkness. People there will be weeping and grinding their teeth” (13). Wow, way to break the metaphor there, Jesus. At the end of this horrific parable, Jesus helpfully tells us the moral of the story: “Many people are invited, but few are chosen” (14). Also, God is a crazed psychopath, apparenty.

The Pharisees keep trying to trip Jesus up. So they ask him whether the law allows people to pay taxes to Caesar given that Jesus doesn’t support favoritism (not sure how those things are related). Jesus is like, “Why are you trying to fuck with me? Go bring me a coin.” So they bring him a coin and he’s like “Whose fucking head is on this fucking coin?” And they’re like, “Caesar’s.” And he’s like, “Great. Give Caesar what’s Caesar’s and give God what’s God’s. Fuck off.” So they do.

Remember their joyous posthumous reunion? Not part of Jesus's plan.

The Sadducees, who don’t believe in resurrection, come to ask Jesus a resurrection-related question. They explain that they knew of seven brothers who each married the same woman, all in a row, with the next one marrying her when the last one died. Eventually they all died and so did the woman, and none of them had any children. So, they ask, which of the men will the woman be married to after they are all resurrected? Jesus answers that “At the resurrection people won’t marry nor will they be given in marriage. Instead, they will be like angels from God” (30). The Sadducees freak out and leave.

The Pharisees try again, and ask Jesus what the greatest commandment is. He says that the most important is to love God as hard as you can, and that the next most important is to love your neighbor as yourself, and that the whole law depends on those two commandments. Then Jesus turns the Pharisees’ tactics on them. He asks them whose son the Christ is, and they say David’s. But Jesus quotes some passage from the Old Testament where David calls the Christ “lord,” and says, “If David calls him Lord, how can he be David’s son?” (45). Nobody can answer him and from then on nobody dares ask him any questions ever again. I’m not sure how exactly this was such a rhetorical knock-down punch, but okay.

Matthew 23

Jesus tells his followers to do what the Pharisees say but not what they do, because “Everything they do, they do to be noticed by others” (5). He points out that they really liked to be called “Rabbi” (i.e. “teacher”), and warns everyone that Christ is their only teacher and God is their only father, so no human should be called teacher or father because they are really brothers and sisters. He also talks again about how the low will be lifted up and the high and mighty will be brought low and the greatest will be servants and so on.

Jesus condemns the Pharisees and similar folks for their hypocrisy and general lameness. He calls them stupid and blind, and blames them for keeping people out of the kingdom of heaven. They follow the tiny busybody rules to the letter but totally miss the big picture – they tithe diligently but don’t understand justice, for example. He says that though they look righteous and pure on the outside, they are polluted inside (yes, this section was alluded to in this video). Finally, Jesus bemoans Jerusalem’s lostness and blindness and how God has tried so hard to save the people of Israel but they keep going astray.

Highlights

The condemnation of hypocrisy is pretty cool, and pretty ironic given the political climate of this country.

Lowlights

The most appealing part of the idea of an afterlife, to me, is the idea of being reunited after death with those whom you loved in life. And that certainly seems to be one of the components which most comforts people I know who believe in an afterlife. But Jesus puts the kibosh on that idea with the whole story of the seven brothers. Too bad.

One Horse Per Butt Cheek

OT: Exodus 13-14

Exodus 13

God tells Moses, “Dedicate to me all your oldest children. Each first offspring from any Israelite womb belongs to me, whether human or animal” (2). But I thought all the Israelites were already God’s peeps? What does it even mean to “dedicate” a kid to God?

Moses reminds everyone that, once a year, they should eat no leavened bread for a week to commemorate their escape. And he promises again that God is taking them to their home with milk and honey and such. Moses tells them the thing about dedicating their oldest children and animals to God. He elaborates that they should “ransom” all their oldest donkeys with a sheep, because if they don’t, they’ll have to break the donkeys’ necks. And they have to “ransom” their oldest children, too.

God leads the Israelites by “a column of cloud” (21) – a tornado? – during the day and by lightning at night. Instead of sending them by way of the Philistines where they might have to fight, he takes them the long route by the Reed Sea/Red Sea (depending on translation).

Exodus 14

God tells Moses to have the Israelites turn back and set up camp by the sea, so that Pharaoh (who I guess is tracking them) will think they’ve gotten lost, and will come after them. God gloats, “I’ll gain honor at the expense of Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD” (4). What does it even mean for God to “gain honor”?

Backtrack: Pharaoh changes his mind about releasing the peeps and chases after them with his army and catches up with them at the sea. Not sure what good it did them to turn around in that case, but okay. The Israelites see that they are trapped between the Egyptian army on one side and the sea on the other, and they start bitching at Moses about how it would have been better to stay slaves in Egypt than to die in the desert. Moses is like “Don’t worry, God has everything under control. Nothing is fucked.” God tells Moses to use his staff to part the sea so they can cross, and then he (God) excitedly repeats the bit about gaining honor a few more times.

The cloud column moves behind the Israelite camp so it stands between them and the Egyptians. Moses parts the sea and the Israelites start across the dry land in the middle. When the Egyptians follow them in, God has Moses close up the water again, killing Pharaoh and everybody in his army. The Israelites make it safely to the other side and look back to see all the dead Egyptians and get all excited and worshippy about their great genocidal God. Yay!

THE BEST

Highlights

I actually kind of like matzo. Especially matzo pizza. Mmmmm.

Lowlights

In what universe does it seem rational that God would be angry if you didn’t break a donkey’s neck?

Also, the whole killing-all-the-Egyptians-in-order-to-look-cool thing.

NT: Matthew 21

Matthew 21

This is probably how he did it.

Jesus & co. arrive at Bethphage (which just sounds to me like a cell that is going to eat poor Beth, whoever she is), and Jesus tells two of the apostles to go into the town where they will find a donkey and a colt tied up, and to bring them to him. Then Jesus fulfills a prophecy (a kind of silly one, IMHO) by sitting “on them” (7). Like, on both the donkey and the colt…at the same time, or does he alternate?

People get excited and spread clothes and palm fronds on the ground in front of Jesus as he enters Jerusalem triumphantly with one butt cheek on each of his steeds. Some of the onlookers are out of the loop and are like “who is that guy with one horse per butt cheek?” and those in the know are like “It’s the prophet Jesus from Nazareth in Galilee” (11). And then the Jerusalem hipsters add, “And I was into him before he was cool.”

Jesus puts his business face on and dismounts from his donkey[s] and throws a fit in the temple; people have set up a market in there, so he starts knocking tables over and throwing merchants out, raving about how the temple is supposed to be a house of prayer. The legal and religious experts get pissed off and they’re like “hey Jesus have you heard all these kids praising you as the Son of David?” and he’s like “Yeah what’s it to you?” and goes off to the town of Bethany for the night.

In the morning Jesus gets hungry and goes over to a fig tree for breakfast, but there’s no fruit on it, so he throws a hissy fit and curses it so it can never bear fruit again, and it shrivels up instantly. The apostles are amazed and Jesus is like “you too can shrivel up fig trees and even fling mountains around if you are faithful enough!” I’m still waiting on a demonstration of that particular phenomenon.

The legal and religious experts ask Jesus who gave him the authority to do his tricks and teach his lessons. Jesus says they’ll tell them if they can answer the question of where John the Baptist got the authority to do baptisms. The “experts” confer: they can’t say from heaven because then Jesus will ask why they didn’t believe him, and they can’t say from humans because the crowds love John the Baptist and will get pissed off and maybe hurt them. So they say they don’t know, and Jesus is like, “Well then I don’t have to tell you where I get my authority. Nah nah nah boo boo.”

Hos...

Jesus decides it’s time for another parable. A man tells his older son to go work in his fields, and the son refuses, but later changes his minds and goes to work; the man tells his younger son to go work, and the son agrees to, but never goes. Jesus asks which son did his father’s will, and the legal/religious experts say the older son. Jesus explains that “tax collectors and prostitutes are entering God’s kingdom ahead of you” because they believed John the Baptist but the experts didn’t believe him or change their hearts and lives.

Jesus tells another parable, about a landowner who employs tenant farmers in his vineyard while he is out of town. He sends his servants to collect his fruit, but the farmers kill the servants. So the landowner sends more servants for his fruit, and the farmers kill them too. Then the stupid landowner sends his own son, thinking the farmers will respect him, but of course they kill him. So Jesus asks the experts what the landowner will do when he comes home. They answer that he will kill the farmers and hire new ones who will do their jobs. Jesus basically tells them they’re stupid and quotes a psalm – “The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone” – and warns that God’s kingdom will be taken away from them (42-43). The experts get mad and want to arrest Jesus but can’t because the crowds think he’s a prophet and will riot if he’s arrested.

...before bros.

Highlights

I love when Jesus tells the self-righteous hypocrites that those who disgust them most, the tax-collectors and the prostitutes, are going to get into Heaven before them. It’s the kind of verse I wish more Christians would remember and focus on.

Lowlights

Um…I don’t really understand the point of the vineyard parable. The landowner is stupid, the farmers are cruel, and the servants and the son are dead. Who exactly is supposed to be the winner in this scenario…?

Bon Appetit!

OT: Exodus 11-12

Exodus 11

God’s like, “Ok, Moses, this is the last plague, I promise, and after this Pharaoh will let you go because I’ll stop making him stubbornly refuse to let you go. Get all your peeps to ‘borrow’ expensive jewelry from their neighbors.” God makes the Egyptians super gullible so they give all their shit away. Also, Egyptian officials come honor Moses instead of being like “thanks so much for ruining our lives.” Moses warns everyone that the oldest child in every non-Israelite family will die at midnight. “Then you’ll be sorry!”

Exodus 12

WHYYYYY

God’s like “Ok, Moses and Aaron, get out your pencils or quills or whatever. The Jewish calendar starts NOW! This is the first month, and on the fourteenth day of this month, you all have to slaughter lambs and smear their blood all over your doors and eat their flesh with matzo and bitter herbs. Also you have to eat all this really fast. Bon appetit! Then I’ll come and kill the firstborn child in all the non-bloody houses, so make sure you don’t forget the blood part, because I am not smart enough to know which houses are which just from my whole omniscience thing, so I might get confused and murder your children if you don’t smear baby animal blood all over your house! The whole system is very intuitive. You’ll catch on. Also you have to celebrate this wonderful time every year by eating only matzo and no squishy bread.” Moses tells everyone about the plan and they are all like “yeah that makes a lot of sense” and worship God and follow the instructions.

Don't worry. It gets a lot more appetizing by the third or fourth glass of wine.

God kills a kid in every Egyptian house at midnight, and in the morning everyone is understandably quite upset. Pharaoh summons Moses and Aaron and is like “FINE. I GIVE UP. LEAVE. GO AWAY. GO FAR FAR AWAY. TAKE ALL YOUR ANIMALS AND CHILDREN AND WHATEVER. GO HAVE YOUR RAVE.” But before they leave he adds, “And bring a blessing on me as well!” (32). So all the Israelites have to pack up and leave stat, and for some reason every one of them is in the middle of making bread and has to take the dough with them before it has time to rise. Also they rob the Egyptians blind. The hundreds of thousands of Israelites flee into the desert with their animals and their dough and their stolen jewelry and travel to Succoth. God reminds Moses and Aaron that Jews have to celebrate Passover annually forever, and warns them that uncircumcised men are not allowed the pleasure of eating dry crackers and bitter herbs and saltwater with them. Bummer!

Highlights

Thank god we’re done with all the back and forth about the plagues.

Lowlights

The moment I stop sympathizing with the 430 years of slavery is the moment when a child in every single Egyptian household dies. Revenge != justice.

NT: Matthew 21-22

Sorry guys, my thesis is getting real since my draft is due on Friday. So we might end up with a big old New Testament pile-up on Saturday and Sunday. But never fear! We shall keep on keeping on!