From College to Calves

Things I Have Done Since My Last Post

1. FINISHED COLLEGE.

A. Wrote a paper
B. Wrote another paper
C. Wrote another another paper
D. Took an exam
E. Hopefully did not fail at any of those things

2. Won an award for “outstanding contributions to intercultural and race relations at Harvard College” – unexpected, but fun!

A. Ate a delicious eggplant cheese thing at the award dinner
B. Wrote one of my papers on the bus to and from the award dinner (see item 1A).

3. Sold a bunch of my stuff

A. Packed some of it up and put it into dorm storage for the students who bought it to claim when they come back in the fall
B. Left a lot of it lying around my room waiting to be packed up
C. Lost a microwave that I sold to somebody…awkward. Oh, speaking of which…

4. Organized a totally unnecessary film series for one of my classes

A. Hopefully obtained some kind of unofficial extra credit to make up for not really studying for final exam
B. Lost my microwave, which I generously carried all the way to the Yard (aka a long way from my dorm) so students could have freshly popped popcorn for the movies
C. By “I lost it” I mean “somebody stole it from the classroom where the movie screenings were”
D. Attempted to relocate microwave
E. Despaired
F. Entered denial stage (ongoing)
G. Will eventually tell the girl I sold it to that I lost it and will sadly refund her money (pending)

5. Continued to possess a lot of stuff after selling some of it

A. Got really angsty over what to do with ticket stubs, birthday cards, posters, and photos (ongoing)
B. Packed a tiny amount of my stuff up
C. Flung the rest of it around the floor so it would feel like I was making progress
D. Brought one suitcasefull of stuff to boyfriend’s apartment so it would feel like I had started moving

6. Walked 24 miles in one day, that day being yesterday

A. Raised money for hunger relief by doing so!
B. Felt really cool (see item 6A)
C. Felt like dying (see item 6)
D. Felt like this

7. RETURNED TRIUMPHANTLY TO MY BIBLE BLOG (ongoing)

OT: Exodus 32

Exodus 32

The Israelites wonder what is taking Moses so long up on the mountain. Eventually they get impatient and tell Aaron to make them some new gods that won’t lead them on and then break their hearts. Ohhhhhh snap – shit is about to get real in the kosher grocery store parking lot.

I think the almost-tastefully-cropped hand placement adds a certain je ne sais quois to this piece.

Aaron decides it’s time for some creative problem-solving. He tells everyone to give him all their gold jewelry, which he melts down and molds into a bull calf. The Israelites, who apparently cannot count, say, “These are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!” (4) Aaron rolls with it: he builds an altar for the calf, and declares a festival day in honor of the calf-god, and people make sacrifices and celebrate.

God warns Moses that his peeps “are ruining everything” (7), because God is an eight-year-old whose parents are doing something embarrassing at his birthday party. God tells Moses to get out of the way so his “fury” can “burn and devour” the Israelites (10). Moses tells God to chill the fuck out, and reminds him of his promises to many of the Israelites about giving them lots of descendants. And then – get this – “the LORD changed his mind about the terrible things he said he would do to his people” (14).

So, let’s tally up for a second. God has…

1. Forgotten promises he made
2. Changed his mind
3. Made false promises

So where exactly do people get the idea that God is omniscient or omnipotent? Oh, and also…

4. Threatened to kill everyone

…And he’s perfectly benevolent, too? Give me a break.

Anyway, Moses goes down the mountain and brings the two covenant tablets with him, which apparently were written in “God’s own writing” (16). I wonder what his handwriting looks like?

Moses gets back to the camp and sees the calf-worshiping festival party, and flips out. He smashes the tablets with God’s actual handwriting on them on the ground in a rage, burns and pulverizes the calf and makes people drink its remnants in water. He yells at Aaron for sinning. Aaron is like “but the people were out of control!” and Moses is like “yeah because you LET them get out of control!”

So then, for very unclear reasons, Moses orders a genocide. Yes, really. He makes all the Levites (are those the same as the Israelites? Or a subset? I forget) gather round and arm themselves, then he sends them off with the command to “kill your brother, your friend, and your neighbor!” (27). They do it, killing three thousand people. Which, for comparison, is approximately the number of people killed in the 9/11 attacks. So let nobody say Islam has a monopoly on jihad, religious violence, or scripturally condoned terrorism. Best of all, when the killers return, Moses tells them that each one has gained a special blessing from god for his noble actions.

Excuse me while I vomit.

Moses reminds his whole tribe what sinners they are, and goes back to God to ask for leniency. Instead of really answering him, God sends Moses away with an angel to an undisclosed location, promises to judge sinners at the end of times, and sends a plague on the calf-worshipers.

I’m literally falling asleep at my desk, so stay tuned for more tomorrow! Probably starting with a psalm, because I haven’t slogged through one of those in forever.

Do Not Cross

OT: Exodus 29-31

Exodus 29

Like this. Guys, I haven't watched Dexter in soooo long. I still haven't finished Season 5. NO SPOILERS.

Here’s how to ordain priests. Dress them up fancy and send them to the temple with some livestock and artisanal breads. There, now they’re ordained. The priests should touch the livestock, then kill them, then throw the blood around, then set the organs on fire. This will be a “purification offering” (14), because purity consists of biohazardous fluid-flinging and the stench of scorched flesh. Also the priest clothes should be hand-me-downs.

God also decrees that the Israelites should sacrifice a lamb every day, along with some wine and a flour-oil mixture (I can only assume that he trying to make a roux for holy gumbo), and he promises to meet them at the tent to speak with them. Then he goes power-tripping: “I will be at home among the Israelites, and I will be their God. They will know that I am the LORD their God, who brought them out of the land of Egypt so that I could make a home among them. I am the LORD their God” (45-46).

Exodus 30

God gives a lot of instructions for building an incense altar and warns people not to burn the wrong kind of incense. #priorities

God also decrees that when the census happens, each person counted should donate half a shekel to support the temple upkeep, as a “compensation for their life” (12). If you pay your half shekel, you won’t get divinely plagued. God also specifies that the rich and the poor should all pay exactly the same amount, which I guess is nice since it signifies that the lives of the rich and of the poor are valued equally.

Completely 100% true science fact: this was the first result when I searched "lowercase punishment only" on Google Images. Seriously, try it yourself. I couldn't resist because, as I may have mentioned, I LOVE DEXTER. Also because I think the message on the tie is appropriate for a discussion of Old Testament Yahweh's picky rules and extreme punishments.

God also specifies that a washbasin has to be put in the temple for people to wash themselves before presenting offerings “so that they don’t die” (20). I feel that the prevalence of capital punishment in this society is…excessive.

God gives Moses a special incense recipe and decides that the punishment for anybody who copies the recipe for non-sacred purposes should be shunned by the tribe. Ditto with some special oil.

Exodus 31

God announces that he has chosen two specific Israelites, Bezalel and Oholiab, and given them the skills required to make all the stuff he just gave instruction for. Which kind of make one (well, me) wonder why he didn’t just give them the instructions to begin with instead of using Moses as a middle man.

God reminds Moses that everybody has to keep the Sabbath holy in order to remind themselves of God, or else they will be put to death.

When God is done talking to Moses, he gives him two stone covenant tablets. Finally.

Highlights

Good news – we are done with the interior design/fashion instructions! The golden calf is up next!

Lowlights

So much capital punishment!

Queer Eye for the Straight Priest + READER CHALLENGE!

Dragons? I love dragons! Drinks all around!

Fun fact: I saw a Gutenberg Bible today! I mean, I’ve seen it before, because it lives like a mile from where I do. But this was the first time I actually attempted to sort of read it. A friend from high school was visiting Harvard, so I took him on the obligatory here-are-some-old-things tour, finishing up at Widener Library, where Henry Elkins Widener’s Gutenberg Bible is in a glass case. While we were staring at it, I wondered what part it was opened to. (The Gutenberg Bible is in Latin, which I studied for two years in middle school. I retain just enough of that to make pretty decent guesses at etymology and orthography, and to immaturely tell people “semper ubi sub ubi.” This phrase, incidentally, does not appear in the Bible, so I was rather at a loss.) So I stared at the page for a while, scanning for some words I might know – which was extra difficult because the letters were all fancy and curly and full of themselves. After a lot of squinting, I spotted a “draconem,” a “Judeum,” a “Daniele,” and the phrase “Bel destruxit.” I figured I had enough for Googling, and sure enough, I was not only able to identify the specific passage, but to pretty well read along with it (especially since the friend I’d brought with me knew significantly more Latin than I did, but also not quite enough to read fluently without Google’s help). Apparently the story of Bel and the Dragon is part of an extended version of the Book of Daniel, which not all Christians consider legit. So basically it’s like one of the extra scenes on the special edition of the Return of the King DVD that the hardcore Tolkien aficionados drool over but most people just want to see the cinema version.

I also learned from the story of Bel and the Dragon that there is a prophet named Habakkuk, which I’m pretty sure is the official transliteration of the sound of throwing up.

ANNOUNCEMENT: While doing my usual image-searching routine for this post, I discovered that there is a pub called Bel and the Dragon in Cookham, in Berkshire, England (see the pub sign to the left). I’m not sure if I’ve got any readers over in the UK, but in any case, I am hereby officially announcing the very first Challenge of Biblical Proportions! If you take a picture of yourself at this pub and post a link to it as a comment, I will reward you with 1) everlasting fame and glory, 2) a certificate of accomplishment, and 3) a candy bar. Yes, I will physically mail you a candy bar. It’s your choice whether to eat it or save it for posterity.

I recognize that this is probably never going to happen. But I like the idea of reader challenges, so look out for more! (And if you have any ideas for a future challenge, drop a comment or shoot me an email at BloggingBiblically@gmail.com!)

OT: Exodus 25-28

Exodus 25

God commands Moses to collect gifts for him (God) from the Israelites, which I think stretches the definition of the word “gift.” Although he does give specific instructions about what gifts he wants, so maybe this is actually like the world’s first wedding registry. Where God is getting married to the Israelites.

He also gives very specific instructions about how to build the temple where he will come chill with them, and how to build the Ark of the Covenant, which is basically the box that’s going to hold the tablets with the commandments on them. He also explains how to make a table for food and drink offerings, and a special solid gold lampstand for the temple.

Exodus 26

Next God tells Moses how to make curtains for the temple-tent-thing that will hold the gold lamp and the special table and the box holding the tablets. For all these things, he specifies exact dimensions, what materials to use, how to decorate them, what color everything should be, etc. It’s basically Trading Spaces in book form. Do you remember that show? I remember that show. Maybe it’s even still on. I don’t know. But I really liked Ty, one of the carpenters. He was friendly. I wish he were a character in the Book of Exodus. It could use some more smiling and also some elegant bookcases.

Exodus 27

God explains how to make an altar, and how to make a courtyard for the tent-temple-thing. And he says that all the Israelites for the rest of time will have to provide fresh olive oil to keep the lamp burning constantly.

Exodus 28

God tells Moses that his (God’s) brother Aaron and his (Aaron’s) sons will be his (God’s) priests, and then explains in great detail what kind of clothes they are going to wear. We’re leaving Trading Spaces behind and moving into Queer Eye for the Straight Guy territory here. My favorite part of the specified priests’ clothing is the “chest pendant used for making decisions” (described in verses 15-30). How exactly one uses a chest pendant to make decisions is unclear, but it sounds useful and also extremely realistic and not at all like something that teenage girls might learn how to make out of amethysts and faerie dust in a Silver Ravenwolf book. God gives some more fashion advice, and then explains that “Aaron will wear the robe when he ministers as a priest. Its sound will be heard when he goes into the sanctuary in the LORD’s presence and when he comes out, so that he will not die” (35). Does this imply that God is planning to snipe anybody who enters the church silently? Because if so, I’m pretty sure people have been doing this all wrong. I always feel awkward if I even make a sound setting down my backpack when I go into a church (which, as I’ve mentioned before, I frequently do). I guess from now on I’ll roll in singing.

Nat, if you’re reading this: Don’t worry. I won’t actually do that. Usually.

Highlights

The chest pendant used for making decisions sounds awesome.

Lowlights

I wish I knew how it worked.

Shit Jealous Gods Say

Okay dudes and dudettes!

Thank you for bearing with me through all the thesis and then all the midterms and then all the barren internetlessness of spring break. We are now on double-time as we catch up from all of that nonsense. So I’m pretty sure that means I’m twice as likely to be saved now.

…Then again, if memory serves, zero times two is still zero.

OT: Exodus 21-24

Exodus 21

More rules from God!

Hebrew men can be slaves, but only for six years – which makes them more like indentured servants, really. But if the time comes and they say they don’t want to be set free, their masters should pierce their ears and then keep them forever. Also, if a slave’s master provides him with a spouse, he doesn’t get to take her with him when he is set free; his wife and any children they have together belong to the master. Hebrew women can also become slaves if their fathers sell them into slavery, but unlike men, they can’t be set free unless their masters stop feeding them.

This may look horrific, but don't worry - it's A-OK with God!

Anybody who hits someone, kills someone, kidnaps someone, or curses their parents should be put to death – presumably by their community, since God is talking to the Israelites as a group here. However, “if the killing wasn’t on purpose but an accident allowed by God” (13) the killer should run away to a safe haven designated by God. What exactly is “an accident allowed by God?” Again, if God chooses what to “allow” and what not to allow, why allow anybody to be killed? Is it really an accident if God “allowed” it, or is it part of this mysterious “plan” I always hear so much and yet so little about? (As Saint Eddie Izzard said, “If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”)

If two people are fighting with each other and one is crippled but not killed, the other won’t be punished as long as they pay disability benefits and medical costs, basically. If a slave owner beats one of his slaves (of either gender) to death, “the owner should be punished” (20), but the punishment is not specified. “But if the slave gets up after a day or two, the slave owner shouldn’t be punished because the slave is the owner’s property” (21). Um…so, I’m going to continue to ignore the horrifying fact that most of the political power in my country belongs to people who sincerely believe that God wrote a book explicitly and unequivocally endorsing slavery. Besides that minor issue, though, isn’t this just plain inconsistent? If the slave is the owner’s property and therefore can be beaten, why doesn’t that ownership extend to killing? Also, it says a few lines later that if a slave owner knocks out his slave’s eye or tooth, he has to let them go free; but how does that jive with the owner’s right to beat the slave senseless?

This might be my favorite part so far: “When people who are fighting injure a pregnant woman so that she has a miscarriage but no other injury occurs, then the guilty party will be fined what the woman’s husband demands, as negotiated with the judges” (22). Yes, the correct response to miscarriage is for the husband and the (presumably also male) judges to quantify the worth of the unborn child. Is this also why abortion is wrong? Because children are valuable financial assets to their fathers? It’s destruction of property? Yes, yes, I know the usual argument against abortion is based on the child’s rights, but this verse really makes the fetus sound more like its father’s property than an end in itself. Oh, well, at least between the fetus, the father, and the judges, we’ve covered all the people who could possibly be affected by this case. Because, as Saint Colbert famously wrote in his fourteenth century treatise on health justice, “a woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”

If an ox skewers somebody lethally, the ox will be killed, but not the owner. But if the ox is a repeat offender and the owner didn’t put the kibosh on his bullshit before, the ox AND the owner will be executed (but the owner can ransom himself if he’s rich enough). If the ox just kills a slave, the owner has to compensate the slave’s owner with thirty shekels. It’s good to know how much a human life is worth, although I wish I had some kind of shekels-to-dollars exchange rate that accounted for inflation.

Also, if somebody digs a hole and some other dude’s animal falls into it and dies, the hole-digger has to compensate the animal-owner, “but he may keep the dead animal” (34). Also, if my ox kills your ox, I have to sell my ox and we split the earnings and the dead ox, unless your ox was a douchebag, I still have to repay you, but I get to keep your whole dead ox.

Exodus 22

Okay, I’m tired and jet lagged and I honestly don’t give a shit how many shekels a dead ox is worth. But God cares very much and metes out a bunch of rules accordingly.

And when are his office hours?

If a thief is killed by the owner of some stuff he’s trying to steal, the owner is okay, unless it’s daytime, in which case the owner is guilty. Also if a thief is caught and can’t pay for what he stole, he will be sold into slavery to cover the cost. There are also a lot of rules about damage caused by escaped and/or dismembered animals and accidental fires and such. Also, in any cases of ambiguity, “both parties should come before God,” and “the one whom God finds at fault” will be punished (9). Oh, right. I’ll just pop on over to his house and knock on the door, shall I? Or should I email his secretary for an appointment first?

Then we get some really great stuff in rapid fire.

• If a dude fucks a single lady, he has to put a ring on it. Also, pay her father.
• “Don’t allow a female sorcerer to live” (18).
• Sex with animals –> death.
• Worshiping other gods –> death.
• Don’t douche out on immigrants because you were all immigrants once.
• Don’t douche out on orphans because that’s supreme assholery and I will fuck you up.
• Don’t charge interest on loans. [Wait a minute. This is in the Torah. So why did Jews give loans with interest for so long while Christians were revolted by usury?]
• Don’t steal people’s clothes when they lend them to you. [Chelsey Faloona, I'm looking at you and my striped polo. On an unrelated note, I still have your pink Converse. Sorry.]
• Don’t hoard your wine. “Give me your oldest son” (29). [FYI, those are in the same verse.]
• Don’t eat dead shit you find in the forest.

Exodus 23

Picking up where we left off…

• Don’t be a lying asshole.
• Don’t scheme like a scheming schemer.
• Don’t be a puppet of the 1%.
• If you find a lost donkey, bring it home.
• Yes, even if the donkey is own by somebody you don’t like.
• Seriously, don’t be a lying asshole.
• Don’t take bribes.
• Remember, don’t fuck with immigrants, because you were immigrants.
• Share your shit with poor people and animals.
• Remember to chill out on the seventh day.
• Do what I say.
• “Don’t call on the names of other gods. Don’t even mention them” (13). And don’t try to text them under the table when I’m not looking. And unfriend them, and unfollow them on twitter, and remove them from your gchat friends list. What was that sound? No, don’t try to talk over it. I see what you’re doing. Your phone beeped. Is that her? Did Juno text you again? She texted you, didn’t she? Delete it. No, right now. No, where I can see it. You texted her back, didn’t you? Are you trying to make a fool of me? Are you taking me for granted? Don’t you dare take me for granted! I am beautiful! You don’t deserve me! You disgust me! I hate you! Why would you lie to me? Don’t you love me anymore? Do you think I’m pretty? Why don’t you ever look in my eyes when we make love? #shitjealousgodssay
• You should fête me constantly. At least three times a year, in fact. Especially for Passover.
• Sacrifice shit to me. And do it right.
• “Don’t boil a young goat in its mother’s milk” (19). [I'm guessing this is where the no-dairy-with-meat thing comes from?]

Then God’s like, “I’m going to send a messenger to lead everyone to the promised land. Do what he says. If you fuck with him, I will fuck with you. I am going to genocide the shit out of all the other peoples around here; you should destroy their temples and definitely not cheat on me with their gods. If you worship me,” God promises (and this is the real text), “I’ll take sickness away from you, and no woman will miscarry or be infertile” (25-26). Oh right, I almost forgot – Jews never get sick or have miscarriages! But seriously, is the catch that nobody worships him correctly and so nobody gets these benefits? If so, God is kind of like the sleaziest of sleazy insurance salesmen. Anyway, God keeps repeating that he will destroy everyone else and that the Israelites had better not cheat on him.

Exodus 24

Then God’s like, “Moses, I want you to come worship me up close, and I want 73 other dudes to worship me a little farther away, and everybody else should just hang back.” Moses tells everyone all the laws and they’re like “ok sounds like a plan.” Moses wrote down all the laws, which he memorized as they were told to him, apparently. Then he built an altar and twelve pillars (one for each tribe of Israel). People threw some blood around and burned some shit and called it a covenant. Then Moses and the 73 dudes go see God, who’s standing on some shiny blue tiles, and they all eat together. God calls Moses up to the mountain so he can give him the commandments on stone tablets. Moses and his sidekick Joshua go up to the mountain, leaving Aaron and Hur to deal with whatever shenanigans go down in their absence. Moses goes up the mountain and God comes down to the mountain and they hang out there for forty days and forty nights.

Highlights

A lot of the rules are pretty legit, but the good parts could basically be summed up by the Golden Rule. I guess the Sermon on the Mount is like the SparkNotes version?

Lowlights

Slavery and misogyny and brutality, oh my! Also, the general rule of punishment is “a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot, a burn for a burn, a bruise for a bruise, a wound for a wound” (21:23-25). Which is a really unstable “justice” system. That’s how Romeo and Juliet happens. Not cool.

In Which I Return Triumphantly!

I’M BAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!

I somehow managed to write a thesis since the last time I posted. Today I submitted it and then drank a lot of champagne and then got on a plane and now I’m sitting by myself at JetBlue baggage claim 6 in JFK. Good times.

I MISSED YOU ALL! I am so excited to read more Bible and write more nonsense and then read all YOUR awesome comments, which is one of my favorite parts of this whole thing. Especially Eli’s. I don’t pick favorites, but if I did, I would pick Eli.

So, just so we’re all on the same page: posts will still be short for the next couple of weeks, because I am out of town right now, then have midterms, then I’ll be out of town again for spring break. But after spring break I will start doing longer posts in order to catch up. We should be back on track within a month or two!

OT: Exodus 20

Exodus 20

Oh, this is a fun one to restart with! It’s the Ten Commandments! Which is, as we all know, the foundation for all of human morality. Because, first of all, nobody ever thought of not killing each other before. The reluctance to kill, steal, or cheat definitely does not appear in many other species, or in especially advanced forms in non-human primates, indicating that it actually evolved before we did. Morality certainly does not predate the Bible, let alone humanity itself. Nope. Moreover, we all know that not killing each other is only the sixth most important rule.

So!

God tells the Jews that he’s their god, in case they haven’t figured that out at this point. He warns them not to have any others.

He also instrusts them not to worship any idols. He warns that “I punish children for their parents’ sins even to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me” – but God is love and is more merciful than vengeful! remember that! – “But I am loyal and gracious to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments” (5-6). So, what if my grandfather was loyal, but my father was sinful? Does it even out for me? Actually, I bet there is a catch. Everybody is sinful because of Adam and Eve, so God never has to worry about being nice to a thousand generations of people because everybody fucks up at some point. So really we’re just being punished all the time for the last four generations of sin. Then again, by this logic, shouldn’t the sin of Adam and Eve only lasted three or four generations, instead of spoiling everything for everyone else who ever lived? Or is that an exception because their sin was extra big? It would be really helpful if God could provide me with some kind of flowchart to explain all of this. Right now I feel like I would be unequipped to understand the convolutions without passing the bar first.

So. Don’t use God’s name willy-nilly.

Rest on the seventh day of each week. God actually specifies here that you and everybody in your family has to rest, plus your servants, your animals, and “the immigrant who is living with you” (10). But I know that, for a long time, well-to-do European Jews kept Christian servants so that they could have their houses cleaned seven days a week. Isn’t that breaking the rule?

Then again, it’s a stupid rule. Or, rather, it’s stupidly interpreted. The idea of making time to rest, reflect, and play is a great one. The fervent refusal to touch a light switch for twenty-four hours is just silly - especially when you factor in all the absurd workarounds that Orthodox Jews have adopted. Like, in Israel, there are elevators that are programmed to stop on every floor automatically during Shabbat. That way, people can still ride the elevator without pressing the button. Because obviously the part of the elevator-riding process that God would object to, if any, is not the actual elevator-riding, but the button-pressing. This absurdity is maintained even when it means massively wasting precious environmental resources. Harvard Hillel leaves every light in the building on from Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown. And when all the paper towel dispensers in the Science Center bathrooms were replaced with waste-free electric hand dryers, Jewish students complained and got the tree-killing machines put back in. Really? You can’t just wipe your hands on your pants one day a week? And what are you doing in the Science Center on Saturday (or, god forbid, Friday night) anyway if the whole point is not to do any work?

Jesus Christ.

Next: be nice to your parents. Then we finally get to not killing people. Then, don’t sleep around, don’t take shit that isn’t yours, and don’t be a lying asshole. Cool. I’m on board with all that, mostly. Not sleeping around when you’re in a monogamous relationship is a good call. But if you guys want to do a swinging thing, why not? Do what makes you both/all happy. I’m not gonna judge. Unlike some people. God just doesn’t really want you to have fun, I think. Maybe he’s jealous because he has no friends because he smote them all.

Anyway, to wrap things up, God tells people not to want other people’s stuff. And women are obviously subsumed in the category of stuff. I’m down with the not taking other people’s stuff part, but how can you stop yourself from wanting it? You want what you want. It’s not really a conscious choice. Then again, probably nothing is, because the whole idea of free will is sketchy as hell. But that’s a conversation for another day.

Then God gets all showy and throws thunder and lightning and smoke around to impress everybody. Kind of like the Wizard of Oz. Everyone freaks out and promises to listen to Moses always. God reminds everyone not to make false idols, because that is one of his biggest worries. Because, remember, he is friendless and lonely and jealous.

God wraps up this chapter with one of my favorite sentences so far: “Don’t climb onto my altar using steps: then your genitals won’t be exposed by doing so” (26).

1) So, what are they supposed to use? A ramp?
2) Alternatively, someone could invent underwear. God, I’m looking at you again.
3) Then again, we could all stop flipping out over what people have between their legs. I’m still unclear on why this particular set of equipment is treated any differently from, say, your face, or your armpit, or your earlobe.

Highlights

Not killing people is a really great idea.

Lowlights

It would be even better if God practiced what he preached.

Gah, I had hoped to do a chapter of Matthew too, but my computer is about to die and there are no outlets in sight. In retrospect, I probably should not have run my battery down from listening to “Call Me Maybe” so many times. Oops.

Stay tuned for tomorrow! And thanks for all of your continued support of my harebrained scheme. Remember to subscribe to be notified whenever a new post goes up, and share this on Facebook/Twitter/Google+/MySpace/LiveJournal/Xanga/Friendster/bulletin boards you happen to walk past/small pieces of paper lying on the street/telegrams/any other communication medium you like to use. I love all your comments, so please keep them coming!

Especially Eli!

Emily Dickinson > God

HEY EVERYBODY I TURNED IN THE FULL DRAFT OF MY THESIS YESTERDAY!!

This has a couple of implications.

1) I will probably graduate! It was touch and go for a while there.

2) Now I can respond to all the emails that have been languishing in my inbox for the past couple of weeks. If you’re one of those poor neglected souls, please accept my apologies.

3) It’s time to get Biblical again! This weekend, as promised, I’ll be publishing a couple of gargantuan catching-up posts. So grab some snacks or roll a joint or something, because we’re going to be here for a while.

OT: Exodus 15-19

Exodus 15

Moses & co., to celebrate the deaths of hundreds upon hundreds of their fellow human beings, sing a happy song! It goes a little something like this.

Yay! God drowned all the Egyptians!
God’s the man. He saved us. We like him.
Did I mention that he drowned all the Egyptians?
Sometimes he kills people!
He “shatters the enemy” and “burns them up like straw” (6-7)!
Isn’t that cool?
Also, he just drowned a bunch of people.
People were chasing us,
But he drowned them all.
Who else is as cool as God? Nobody!
He led us to safety.
He scared all our enemies away.
He brought us to our homeland.
He’ll rule forever.

For good measure, Miriam, Aaron’s and Moses’s sister, leads all the women in dancing and playing tambourines and singing along with the chorus (which is one of the many parts about how God just drowned a bunch of people).

The Moses leads everyone out into the desert. They go three days without finding water, which I’m pretty sure would kill them if this were real life. Then they find somewhere with water, but the water is “bitter” (23). They panic about what to drink. God shows Moses a tree, and Moses somehow intuits from this that he is supposed to throw the tree into the water. For some reason, when he does that, the water turns sweet.

God makes a rule that if the Israelites obey all his commandments, he won’t give them any of the diseases he tormented the Egyptians with. Isn’t that nice? Then the Israelites arrive at an oasis with exactly 12 springs and 70 palm trees, and they camp there. I’m guessing this is somehow symbolic of the fact that 70 members of Jacob’s family, including the 12 sons who founded the 12 tribes of Israel, migrated to Egypt back in the day. See? I’m paying attention.

Exodus 16

They leave the numerology oasis and relocate to the Sin desert, which is confusing because last time I checked they were nowhere near Nevada. By now they’ve been wandering in the desert for like six weeks, and everybody is yelling at Aaron and Moses, saying they were better off back in Egypt where they could sit down and cook their food like normal people and they should have look at a map before they left and we told them to pull over at the next rest stop but no they just had to wait until they got to the one with a Starbucks but here we are an hour later and we still have to pee and no Starbucks so where does that leave us? And Aaron and Moses are like well we only did this because you complained about the whole slavery thing every day so we’re doing this for you but you can’t be satisfied with anything and you were the one who wanted coffee in the first place and it’s your own fault we don’t have bread here because while we were out negotiating with Pharaoh and getting us set free your job was to pack up the food and jewelry and it certainly wasn’t us who told you wait until the last minute to make the bread and now you’re complaining because your bread is too flat and you don’t have coffee and you could feel free to take the lead any time but you’d much rather sit back and keep complaining and for god’s sake quiet down in the backseat because NO WE ARE NOT THERE YET!

Yes, this actually exists.

God sees Moses is in trouble so he’s like “I got you, Moses! I’m gonna make it rain bread.” So he rains bread down on the desert, and it covers the sand in thin flaky layers, like frost, which sounds like it would be really difficult to gather without getting sand all up in your bread. Everybody gathers it anyway and Moses tells them to eat it all and trust that God will send more in the morning, but some people save some just in case, but it becomes infested with worms, or melts in the sun. Gross. But then on sixth day Moses tells everyone to collect double weird-flaky-heaven-bread because tomorrow God is going to rest and won’t rain bread, so they save half and it doesn’t become infested, so they eat the rest the next day. Some people go out to look for more anyway, and God is like “OMG why can’t you just do what I say? I gave you double food for exactly this reason. Go home and rest.” So they do. Apparently the flaky magic bread, which the Israelites call manna, looks like cilantro seeds but tastes like honey wafers. Moses, on God’s instructions, saves a jar of the manna for posterity so future generations can see what the Israelites ate in the desert when they escaped from Egypt. They all wander the desert for forty more years and live off of manna until they finally get to Canaan.

Exodus 17

Wait, now we’re back to the whole wandering-the-desert part. Sigh. So they leave the Sin desert and they don’t have any water and they all complain to Moses and he’s like “why don’t you trust God?!” And they’re like “BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING THIRSTY.” So Moses is like “God, you gotta help me out man!” So God’s like “go on ahead with some elders and use your magic stick to whack a rock and it will squirt water.” Then the Amalekites come fight with the Israelites. Moses tells Joshua to pick some strong men and go fight them, which he does while Moses sits on a hill with his magic stick to watch. Moses quickly figures out that whenever he puts his hand in the air (presumably the one holding the stick), the Israelites start winning the battle, but whenever he puts his hand down, the Amalekites start winning, which is a dumb system if you ask me, since God could just make the battle go however he wants without making Moses wave his hands around. Moses’s arms start getting tired so people get him a rock to sit on and help hold his arms up and then the Israelites win the battle. God tells Moses to write on a scroll that God “will completely wipe out the memory of Amalek” (14) and to read that to Joshua. Not sure why Moses needs to read it to Joshua, or why he can’t just tell Joshua verbally, or why God can’t tell Joshua himself. In any case, it makes no sense since the Amalekites are recorded right here in the Bible, keeping their memory alive for several thousand years. Fail?

Exodus 18

Jethro (Moses’s father-in-law, remember?) hears about what Moses has been up to, and comes to visit him along with Zipporah and her two sons, Gershom and Eliezer. (I think Moses sent his wife and children away to live with Jethro back when shit was getting real with Pharaoh.) Jethro & co. arrive at Moses’s tent and they all catch up with each other and have a grand old time. After the story of the escape, Jethro talks about how much he likes God and says, “Now I know that the LORD is greater than all the gods” (11), again supporting my polytheism theory. Jethro sacrifices to God, and everybody has dinner. The next day, Jethro sees Moses sitting around all day answering people’s questions about God and adjudicating their disagreements and teaching them the commandments. Jethro’s like, “Hey, Moses, this is way too much work for one person. You should pick some other smart people and put them in charge of smaller groups of people. They can bring big difficult questions to you, but mostly they can take care of this stuff without you.” Moses is like “yeah good idea” and appoints his judges accordingly, and bids Jethro adieu.

Exodus 19

This is probably why men can't touch women

Exactly three months after leaving Egypt, the Israelites get to Sinai and set up camp. Moses heads up the mountain and God tells him to tell his peeps that if they obey the commandments they’ll be his favorites. So Moses spreads the news. God tells Moses that, in three days, he’s going to come chat with Moses in front of everyone so they can hear what God says and trust Moses’s authority. In preparation for this, God tells Moses to ready the peeps for his visit by washing all their clothes and such, and tells him to keep the men from having sex with women in the days preceding. God also warns that anybody who touches the mountain during his visit must be put to death, as must anybody who touches the people who have touched the mountain, with stones or arrows. Three days later, God comes down, wrapped in a cloud as disguise; Moses gather the peeps around the mountain to watch while he ascends. God is chilling with Moses on the mountain, but he panics and worries about how many people will die from his own stupid rule about not touching the mountain. Instead of revoking it, like a responsible person, he’s like, “Hey Moses, make sure your peeps don’t touch the mountain!” And Moses is like “nah it’s all good they won’t do that!” And God’s like “Ok, bring Aaron here.”

Highlights

Jethro’s division of labor into lower courts and supreme courts (or what have you) is smart.

Lowlights

Celebrating genocide = not so classy.

OT: Psalms 15-17

Psalm 15

Who gets to chill with you, God? Only perfect people who do the right thing and tell the truth and are nice and hate the wicked and like the faithful and keep promises and lend money without interest. Those people are set for life.

Psalm 16

God, save me, you’re the only good thing in my life. As for those people who thought they were holy but worshiped the wrong God, please fuck them up. I’m not friends with them anymore. You’re all I want. You give me great advice and never lead me astray, so I trust you and I’m happy. You make things great.

Psalm 17

Listen to me! I’m needy! You know me, I don’t mess around. Other people suck but I always obey you. You always do what I want, so do that now! You’re the bomb and you protect your followers. So protect me from my enemies! They’re all around and they want to fuck me up. Kill them! Save me! Hurt them and nurture the people you like more. I know I’ll be rewarded for my awesomeness.

Highlights

Zip. Still hate the psalms.

Take THAT, stupid psalm narrator!

Lowlights

My favorite part of the whining in psalm 17 is, “Rescue me from these people whose only possession is their fleeting life” (14). I think Emily Dickinson responded well to this sentiment when she observed, “That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.” Emily Dickinson: 1; Psalms: 0.

NT: Matthew 22-23

Matthew 22

More parables. FML.

The kingdom of heaven is like a guy who is throwing a party. He invites a bunch of people and prepares a delicious feast for them but they are ungrateful jerks and don’t come and either ignore the invitation or kill the servants who came to invite them. The host gets angry and sets fire to the city where the people who slighted him live. Then he tells his (surviving) servants to go invite everybody they can find on the road to his party because those other people “weren’t worthy” (8). So a bunch of randos come to the party, and the host wanders around his guests. He finds one person who isn’t wearing party-appropriate attire, and asks how he got in. The guy has no answer, so the host tells his servants, “Tie his hands and feet and throw him out into the farthest darkness. People there will be weeping and grinding their teeth” (13). Wow, way to break the metaphor there, Jesus. At the end of this horrific parable, Jesus helpfully tells us the moral of the story: “Many people are invited, but few are chosen” (14). Also, God is a crazed psychopath, apparenty.

The Pharisees keep trying to trip Jesus up. So they ask him whether the law allows people to pay taxes to Caesar given that Jesus doesn’t support favoritism (not sure how those things are related). Jesus is like, “Why are you trying to fuck with me? Go bring me a coin.” So they bring him a coin and he’s like “Whose fucking head is on this fucking coin?” And they’re like, “Caesar’s.” And he’s like, “Great. Give Caesar what’s Caesar’s and give God what’s God’s. Fuck off.” So they do.

Remember their joyous posthumous reunion? Not part of Jesus's plan.

The Sadducees, who don’t believe in resurrection, come to ask Jesus a resurrection-related question. They explain that they knew of seven brothers who each married the same woman, all in a row, with the next one marrying her when the last one died. Eventually they all died and so did the woman, and none of them had any children. So, they ask, which of the men will the woman be married to after they are all resurrected? Jesus answers that “At the resurrection people won’t marry nor will they be given in marriage. Instead, they will be like angels from God” (30). The Sadducees freak out and leave.

The Pharisees try again, and ask Jesus what the greatest commandment is. He says that the most important is to love God as hard as you can, and that the next most important is to love your neighbor as yourself, and that the whole law depends on those two commandments. Then Jesus turns the Pharisees’ tactics on them. He asks them whose son the Christ is, and they say David’s. But Jesus quotes some passage from the Old Testament where David calls the Christ “lord,” and says, “If David calls him Lord, how can he be David’s son?” (45). Nobody can answer him and from then on nobody dares ask him any questions ever again. I’m not sure how exactly this was such a rhetorical knock-down punch, but okay.

Matthew 23

Jesus tells his followers to do what the Pharisees say but not what they do, because “Everything they do, they do to be noticed by others” (5). He points out that they really liked to be called “Rabbi” (i.e. “teacher”), and warns everyone that Christ is their only teacher and God is their only father, so no human should be called teacher or father because they are really brothers and sisters. He also talks again about how the low will be lifted up and the high and mighty will be brought low and the greatest will be servants and so on.

Jesus condemns the Pharisees and similar folks for their hypocrisy and general lameness. He calls them stupid and blind, and blames them for keeping people out of the kingdom of heaven. They follow the tiny busybody rules to the letter but totally miss the big picture – they tithe diligently but don’t understand justice, for example. He says that though they look righteous and pure on the outside, they are polluted inside (yes, this section was alluded to in this video). Finally, Jesus bemoans Jerusalem’s lostness and blindness and how God has tried so hard to save the people of Israel but they keep going astray.

Highlights

The condemnation of hypocrisy is pretty cool, and pretty ironic given the political climate of this country.

Lowlights

The most appealing part of the idea of an afterlife, to me, is the idea of being reunited after death with those whom you loved in life. And that certainly seems to be one of the components which most comforts people I know who believe in an afterlife. But Jesus puts the kibosh on that idea with the whole story of the seven brothers. Too bad.

One Horse Per Butt Cheek

OT: Exodus 13-14

Exodus 13

God tells Moses, “Dedicate to me all your oldest children. Each first offspring from any Israelite womb belongs to me, whether human or animal” (2). But I thought all the Israelites were already God’s peeps? What does it even mean to “dedicate” a kid to God?

Moses reminds everyone that, once a year, they should eat no leavened bread for a week to commemorate their escape. And he promises again that God is taking them to their home with milk and honey and such. Moses tells them the thing about dedicating their oldest children and animals to God. He elaborates that they should “ransom” all their oldest donkeys with a sheep, because if they don’t, they’ll have to break the donkeys’ necks. And they have to “ransom” their oldest children, too.

God leads the Israelites by “a column of cloud” (21) – a tornado? – during the day and by lightning at night. Instead of sending them by way of the Philistines where they might have to fight, he takes them the long route by the Reed Sea/Red Sea (depending on translation).

Exodus 14

God tells Moses to have the Israelites turn back and set up camp by the sea, so that Pharaoh (who I guess is tracking them) will think they’ve gotten lost, and will come after them. God gloats, “I’ll gain honor at the expense of Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD” (4). What does it even mean for God to “gain honor”?

Backtrack: Pharaoh changes his mind about releasing the peeps and chases after them with his army and catches up with them at the sea. Not sure what good it did them to turn around in that case, but okay. The Israelites see that they are trapped between the Egyptian army on one side and the sea on the other, and they start bitching at Moses about how it would have been better to stay slaves in Egypt than to die in the desert. Moses is like “Don’t worry, God has everything under control. Nothing is fucked.” God tells Moses to use his staff to part the sea so they can cross, and then he (God) excitedly repeats the bit about gaining honor a few more times.

The cloud column moves behind the Israelite camp so it stands between them and the Egyptians. Moses parts the sea and the Israelites start across the dry land in the middle. When the Egyptians follow them in, God has Moses close up the water again, killing Pharaoh and everybody in his army. The Israelites make it safely to the other side and look back to see all the dead Egyptians and get all excited and worshippy about their great genocidal God. Yay!

THE BEST

Highlights

I actually kind of like matzo. Especially matzo pizza. Mmmmm.

Lowlights

In what universe does it seem rational that God would be angry if you didn’t break a donkey’s neck?

Also, the whole killing-all-the-Egyptians-in-order-to-look-cool thing.

NT: Matthew 21

Matthew 21

This is probably how he did it.

Jesus & co. arrive at Bethphage (which just sounds to me like a cell that is going to eat poor Beth, whoever she is), and Jesus tells two of the apostles to go into the town where they will find a donkey and a colt tied up, and to bring them to him. Then Jesus fulfills a prophecy (a kind of silly one, IMHO) by sitting “on them” (7). Like, on both the donkey and the colt…at the same time, or does he alternate?

People get excited and spread clothes and palm fronds on the ground in front of Jesus as he enters Jerusalem triumphantly with one butt cheek on each of his steeds. Some of the onlookers are out of the loop and are like “who is that guy with one horse per butt cheek?” and those in the know are like “It’s the prophet Jesus from Nazareth in Galilee” (11). And then the Jerusalem hipsters add, “And I was into him before he was cool.”

Jesus puts his business face on and dismounts from his donkey[s] and throws a fit in the temple; people have set up a market in there, so he starts knocking tables over and throwing merchants out, raving about how the temple is supposed to be a house of prayer. The legal and religious experts get pissed off and they’re like “hey Jesus have you heard all these kids praising you as the Son of David?” and he’s like “Yeah what’s it to you?” and goes off to the town of Bethany for the night.

In the morning Jesus gets hungry and goes over to a fig tree for breakfast, but there’s no fruit on it, so he throws a hissy fit and curses it so it can never bear fruit again, and it shrivels up instantly. The apostles are amazed and Jesus is like “you too can shrivel up fig trees and even fling mountains around if you are faithful enough!” I’m still waiting on a demonstration of that particular phenomenon.

The legal and religious experts ask Jesus who gave him the authority to do his tricks and teach his lessons. Jesus says they’ll tell them if they can answer the question of where John the Baptist got the authority to do baptisms. The “experts” confer: they can’t say from heaven because then Jesus will ask why they didn’t believe him, and they can’t say from humans because the crowds love John the Baptist and will get pissed off and maybe hurt them. So they say they don’t know, and Jesus is like, “Well then I don’t have to tell you where I get my authority. Nah nah nah boo boo.”

Hos...

Jesus decides it’s time for another parable. A man tells his older son to go work in his fields, and the son refuses, but later changes his minds and goes to work; the man tells his younger son to go work, and the son agrees to, but never goes. Jesus asks which son did his father’s will, and the legal/religious experts say the older son. Jesus explains that “tax collectors and prostitutes are entering God’s kingdom ahead of you” because they believed John the Baptist but the experts didn’t believe him or change their hearts and lives.

Jesus tells another parable, about a landowner who employs tenant farmers in his vineyard while he is out of town. He sends his servants to collect his fruit, but the farmers kill the servants. So the landowner sends more servants for his fruit, and the farmers kill them too. Then the stupid landowner sends his own son, thinking the farmers will respect him, but of course they kill him. So Jesus asks the experts what the landowner will do when he comes home. They answer that he will kill the farmers and hire new ones who will do their jobs. Jesus basically tells them they’re stupid and quotes a psalm – “The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone” – and warns that God’s kingdom will be taken away from them (42-43). The experts get mad and want to arrest Jesus but can’t because the crowds think he’s a prophet and will riot if he’s arrested.

...before bros.

Highlights

I love when Jesus tells the self-righteous hypocrites that those who disgust them most, the tax-collectors and the prostitutes, are going to get into Heaven before them. It’s the kind of verse I wish more Christians would remember and focus on.

Lowlights

Um…I don’t really understand the point of the vineyard parable. The landowner is stupid, the farmers are cruel, and the servants and the son are dead. Who exactly is supposed to be the winner in this scenario…?

Bon Appetit!

OT: Exodus 11-12

Exodus 11

God’s like, “Ok, Moses, this is the last plague, I promise, and after this Pharaoh will let you go because I’ll stop making him stubbornly refuse to let you go. Get all your peeps to ‘borrow’ expensive jewelry from their neighbors.” God makes the Egyptians super gullible so they give all their shit away. Also, Egyptian officials come honor Moses instead of being like “thanks so much for ruining our lives.” Moses warns everyone that the oldest child in every non-Israelite family will die at midnight. “Then you’ll be sorry!”

Exodus 12

WHYYYYY

God’s like “Ok, Moses and Aaron, get out your pencils or quills or whatever. The Jewish calendar starts NOW! This is the first month, and on the fourteenth day of this month, you all have to slaughter lambs and smear their blood all over your doors and eat their flesh with matzo and bitter herbs. Also you have to eat all this really fast. Bon appetit! Then I’ll come and kill the firstborn child in all the non-bloody houses, so make sure you don’t forget the blood part, because I am not smart enough to know which houses are which just from my whole omniscience thing, so I might get confused and murder your children if you don’t smear baby animal blood all over your house! The whole system is very intuitive. You’ll catch on. Also you have to celebrate this wonderful time every year by eating only matzo and no squishy bread.” Moses tells everyone about the plan and they are all like “yeah that makes a lot of sense” and worship God and follow the instructions.

Don't worry. It gets a lot more appetizing by the third or fourth glass of wine.

God kills a kid in every Egyptian house at midnight, and in the morning everyone is understandably quite upset. Pharaoh summons Moses and Aaron and is like “FINE. I GIVE UP. LEAVE. GO AWAY. GO FAR FAR AWAY. TAKE ALL YOUR ANIMALS AND CHILDREN AND WHATEVER. GO HAVE YOUR RAVE.” But before they leave he adds, “And bring a blessing on me as well!” (32). So all the Israelites have to pack up and leave stat, and for some reason every one of them is in the middle of making bread and has to take the dough with them before it has time to rise. Also they rob the Egyptians blind. The hundreds of thousands of Israelites flee into the desert with their animals and their dough and their stolen jewelry and travel to Succoth. God reminds Moses and Aaron that Jews have to celebrate Passover annually forever, and warns them that uncircumcised men are not allowed the pleasure of eating dry crackers and bitter herbs and saltwater with them. Bummer!

Highlights

Thank god we’re done with all the back and forth about the plagues.

Lowlights

The moment I stop sympathizing with the 430 years of slavery is the moment when a child in every single Egyptian household dies. Revenge != justice.

NT: Matthew 21-22

Sorry guys, my thesis is getting real since my draft is due on Friday. So we might end up with a big old New Testament pile-up on Saturday and Sunday. But never fear! We shall keep on keeping on!

Moses is a Parselmouth

Heads up: there are some naked butts in this one. But also there is a cute stack of frogs.

OT: Exodus 7-10

Exodus 7

"Scared, Pharaoh?" "You wish!"

God’s like, “Ok, Moses, you and Aaron keep hassling Pharaoh, but I’ll make him stubborn so I can show off my magic tricks. I’ll attack and bring my peeps out of there, and then the Egyptians will know who’s boss. Moses, when Pharaoh asks you to do your tricks, tell Aaron to do the staff-turning-into-a-snake thing.” So they go do the snake trick for Pharaoh, but he gets his “wise men and wizards” together and they do the same trick because of their “secret knowledge” (11). It probably went like this. Moses’s stick-snake eats all the other guys’ stick-snakes, but Pharaoh’s unimpressed. God’s like, “Ok, plan B. Go tell Pharaoh to release the peeps, and when he says no, whack the Nile with your staff and it will turn to blood and smell bad and all the fish will die and nobody will be able to drink it. That’ll be cool.” So Moses does all that, and the river turns to blood, as planned. But Pharaoh’s magician friends can do the same thing, so Pharaoh remains unimpressed. One would think the magician friends would use their “secret knowledge” to turn the river back to potable water, but no, they just make more blood. Also, did it occur to God and/or Moses that the Hebrews need to drink the Nile water too? In any case, now everybody has to dig wells to get non-bloody water. Great.

Exodus 8

“Okay, plan C! Tell Pharaoh to release the peeps, and when he says no, I’ll rain frogs all over.” So Moses and Aaron tell Pharaoh to release the peeps, and he’s like “still no,” so Moses is like “Okay Aaron do the frog thing!” and then Aaron waves his arms around and then suddenly there are frogs all up in Egypt. But the Pharaoh’s magicians are like “look we can do it too!” and they add some more frogs. They really are just making things worse for themselves by doubling all the plagues. Anyway, Pharaoh is like, “Ok, Moses, this frog infestation is kind of gross, so if you pray to God to take the frogs away, I’ll let your peeps go to Burning Man.” Moses is like “Ok, when do you want me to pray for the frogs to go away?” Which seems like a stupid question, because obviously Pharaoh wants them gone as soon as possible, right? Wrong. Pharaoh asks Moses to pray tomorrow. Maybe he wants one more night to say goodbye to the frogs he’s befriended.

So Moses prays the frogs away. Except they don’t disappear; they all die. “Great,” Pharaoh thinks. “There’s no more hopping and ribbiting, but now my country is full of decomposing frog carcasses. Gross.” He changes his mind and doesn’t release the peeps.

God’s like, “ok, Moses, tell Aaron to use his magic wand to poke the dirt so lice show up everywhere.” I’m wondering why God doesn’t cut out the middleman and just talk to Aaron himself, or why Moses can’t do his own stunts. Anyway, Aaron does his thing, and “all the land’s dirt turned into lice throughout the whole land of Egypt” (17). Really? All the land’s dirt? If by “dirt” we mean “sand,” since this is Egypt, then the entire country is basically just made of lice now. I don’t think the society could continue to function. I’m pretty sure buildings built on writhing insect foundations would fall to the ground, people would be literally eaten alive, etc. In any case, the magicians once again try to make things worse by making lice of their own, except this time they can’t figure out how to do it, so they tell Pharaoh that this must be an act of God. But Pharaoh still refuses to release the peeps, which is pretty freaking stupid.

The Egyptians couldn't handle this kinky shit.

Next God sends insects of an unspecified nature on Egypt but spares Goshen to make it very clear who his favorites are. God calls Moses and Aaron over and he’s like, “Can’t your peeps just do their sacrifices right here?” And Moses is like, “No, because we’re going to be doing some freaky shit and when the Egyptians see it they will stone us to death. We need to go to the desert where nobody can see us.” Pharaoh is like, “Fine, you can go to the desert, but you can’t go too far, and you have to pray for me while you’re there.” Moses is like “Ok, it’s a deal. The bugs will go away tomorrow. You better not screw us over again.” So Moses goes and prays and God makes the bugs disappear but Pharaoh decides again not to release the peeps.

Exodus 9

God has Moses warn Pharaoh that if he pursues in his dickery, all the Egyptian livestock (but none of the livestock belonging to the Israelites) will be infected with a fatal disease. Pharaoh’s like “BRING IT.” So God brings it, and all the Egyptian livestock die. But Pharaoh still won’t release the peeps. Next God has Moses throw a handful of ashes into the air which turn into soot and cover all of Egypt which somehow causes all the Egyptians (but none of the Hebrews) to break out in blisters. But Pharaoh still won’t release the peeps. Next, God threatens to rain deadly hail down on Egypt. Some people have caught on to the whole whatever-Moses-warns-us-will-happen-actually-happens pattern, so they bring all their livestock inside and huddle under their roofs. But others ignore the warnings and hang out outside with their cows and shit. Then the hail falls everywhere in Egypt (except in Goshen) and destroys everyone and everything that’s outdoors. So Pharaoh summons Moses and Aaron and is like “okay! you win! you win! my bad! you can go! please stop the hail!” So Moses is like, “okay, as soon as I’m outside the city limits, I’ll make God stop the hail.” So he goes and stops the hail and then Pharaoh changes his mind and doesn’t let the Israelites leave. Which is kind of confusing, because didn’t Moses wait until he was outside the city? Did Pharaoh go bring them back? Can’t he wait to stop the hail until he gets way out into the desert instead?

Exodus 10

Imagine trying to breathe in this. Wait - don't. Oh, too late? Sorry.

Moses goes to Pharaoh and he’s like “Guess what’s next? Locusts! Locusts everywhere! Locusts eating all your trees! Locusts crawling all up in your homes! Locusts all over your children! Locusts! Locusts!” Pharaoh’s advisers are like “Um, Pharaoh, get with the program. It is time to release the peeps before Egypt is completely destroyed.” So Pharaoh calls Moses and Aaron and is like “Okay, go do your sacrifices! Who all is going?” And Moses is like “All of us need to go.” And Pharaoh is like “Yeah right! I’m not letting all of you go. That’s very suspicious. You’re plotting something crafty. Your men can go, but the women and children stay here.” So God sends a locust shitstorm, and Pharaoh is like “OH GOD MAKE IT STOP I’M SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME I MESSED UP PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.” So Moses sends the locusts away, at which point Pharaoh promptly changes his mind. So then Moses turns Egypt pitch-black (except where the Israelites live) so nobody can move or see or do anything. Except somehow they are able to summon Moses and Aaron, and Pharaoh tells them all the Israelites can go to the desert – even the children – but the livestock have to stay in Egypt. But Moses is like “nope, we need to take all the animals with us, every single one, because we have to sacrifice some of them but we won’t know which ones we’re supposed to sacrifice until we get there.” And Pharaoh is like “well that sounds made up.” And he decides he’s done with Moses’s bullshit and sends him away and threatens him with death if he ever sees him again.

Highlights

"I told you, the Knight Bus doesn't run on Columbus Day! Can you just keep looking for the Portkey? I'm sick of trying to outrun the wind!"

Magic staffs! Transfiguration! Freaky natural disasters! It’s like Harry Potter and The Happening by J.K. Shyamalan!

Also: Perseverance! Plucky underdogs! The American Dream!

Lowlights

At one point, somewhere between the blisters and the hail, God sends Pharaoh the following message through Moses:

By now I could have used my power to strike you and your people with a deadly disease so that you would have disappeared from the earth. But I’ve left you standing for this reason: in order to show you my power and in order to make my name known in the whole world. (15-16)

See, it’s easy to get carried away by the Passover story of slavery and abolition and magical retribution and hard-won freedom and the escape through the desert and so on. But the social justice narrative you usually hear is a far cry from the way the story is actually told in scripture. It’s not a battle of God against Pharaoh, or oppressor against oppressed; God makes Pharaoh stubbornly refuse to free the Israelites in order to achieve his real goal, which is to show off his power and “make [his] name known in the whole world.” In this light, God looks a little less like Abraham Lincoln and a little more like Tamburlaine.

OT: Psalms 13-14

Psalm 13

God, how long do I have to suffer? Why aren’t you helping me? Come back and save me from enemies! I still trust you because you’ve been faithful.

Psalm 14

Fools say in their hearts,
There is no God.
They are corrupt and do evil things;
not one of them does anything good. (1)

This seemed called for again.

God looks to see if there are any good humans – nope, zero. Those jerks attacking my faithful people must be stupid to not be on God’s side. Eventually they’ll freak out when they see how wrong they were. God’s gonna make us win in the end!

Highlights

Nope. I still hate the psalms.

Lowlights

Really, not a single person on earth is good? Psalm 14 says that God “look down from heaven on humans” to see if any of them are good, “but all of them have turned bad….No one does good – not even one person!” (2-3). But then in the next verse the narrator talks about “my people” (4), who are “the righteous generation” (5). Um…you might want to check your math there. Also, whenever Christians are like “don’t worry I’m not bigoted enough to think that atheists can’t be good people!” I’m like “okay well that’s nice of you but your God seems to disagree since he says that ‘not one of [us] does anything good’…but thanks?”

NT: Matthew 21

…is for tomorrow.

Release the Peeps!

OT: Exodus 5-6

Exodus 5

All they wanted was to go to Burning Man.

Moses and Aaron go to Pharaoh and are all “Hey Pharaoh, God says ‘Let my people go party in the desert!’” And Pharaoh is all “Who is this God guy? Also, no.” And Moses and Aaron are all “Our God showed up and told us we need to go to the desert and sacrifice to him or else he’ll hurt us because he’s kind of a dick sometimes.” And Pharaoh is all “Why do you want the Hebrews to be slackers?” Pharaoh tells all the slave masters to stop giving the slaves the straw they need to make bricks, but to keep the brick quota the same, so the Hebrews have to gather the materials and make the same amount of bricks in the time it usually takes them to just make the bricks. That way, Pharaoh thinks, they’ll work harder and stop being lazy and thinking about running off to the desert for a rave. The Israelites are like “ummm this is kind of impossible why are you doing this?” and Pharaoh says “You are lazy bums, nothing but lazy bums” (17) and tells them to get back to work. The Israelites are like, “Way to go, Moses and Aaron, you guys just got us more work and made Pharaoh hate us more.” And Moses is like “Yeah, God, WTF?”

Exodus 6

RELEASE THE PEEPS!

God is like “Don’t worry Moses, I got this. I’m God, and I made a covenant with your ancestors, which I recently remembered when I heard you all screaming in agony – sorry about that – but any peep of yours is a peep of mine, so just tell all your peeps to chillax because they’re my peeps and I’ve got it under control and also did I mention that I’m God?” So Moses relays this reassuring message to his peeps, but they cannot chillax because they are fucking enslaved. So God’s like, “Moses, go tell Pharaoh again to release the peeps.” And Moses is like, “Dude, even the peeps won’t listen to me anymore, so why would Pharaoh?” Flashback to a lot of genealogy leading from Jacob’s kids to Moses and Aaron. Then we just repeat the whole thing where God tells Moses to lead his people out of Israel and to tell Pharaoh to release the peeps and Moses gets all glossophobic.

Highlights

Meh.

Lowlights

Why doesn’t Moses do his party tricks for Pharaoh to prove he’s got God on his side? Wouldn’t that be more effective than whining?

NT: Matthew 19-20

Matthew 19

Jesus goes from Galilee to Judea and heals his huge crowds of fans. The Pharisees come test him, asking if the law allows a man to divorce his wife for any reason. Jesus is like, “Remember how God said a man and his wife are one flesh? Humans can’t tear apart what God smooshed together.” The Pharisees are like, “Oh yeah? Well then why did Moses tell us to give our wife a divorce certificate if we leave her? WHAT NOW?” Jesus is like, “Moses let you divorce because you were stubborn dicks. But it wasn’t supposed to be that way originally. I’m telling you that if you divorce your wife for any reason other than adultery, you are committing adultery if you marry another woman.” His disciples are like, “Sheesh, why bother getting married at all then?” Then Jesus tells his disciples that not everybody is able to deal with this rule, which for some reason he tried to illustrate with a confusing example about eunuchs, basically saying that some are born eunuchs, some achieve eunuchhood, and some have eunuchhood thrust upon them. Gross.

Some people bring children to Jesus to be blessed, and the disciples scold them (why?), but Jesus is like “no it’s cool the kingdom of heaven is basically all children anyway” and he blesses them. Then a man asks Jesus what he has to do to live forever, and Jesus says to keep the commandments, but the man asks which ones, and Jesus says not to murder, steal, lie, or sleep around, and to respect your parents and love your neighbors. The man is like “yeah yeah I did all that what now?” And Jesus is like “well now you should sell everything you own and give the money to the poor” and the man gets sad and leaves because he’s rich and doesn’t want to give that up. Jesus then famously tells his disciples that “it’s easier for a camel to squeeze through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter God’s kingdom” (23). The disciples freak out and are like, “Dude, this kingdom of heaven is very selective. Who even gets in?” And Jesus says, “It’s impossible for human beings. But all things are possible for God” (26) – I guess meaning that no matter what you do, you won’t be worthy, so you can’t earn your way in; you just have to do your best and trust that God will work the miracle of letting your unworthy sinful ass into his magical palace. Peter says, “Look, we’ve left everything and followed you. What will we have?” (27), and Jesus is like, “Don’t worry, when I’m up in heaven in a throne, you all will be in twelve thrones over the twelve tribes of Israel. And if you left your homes and families and things to follow me, you’ll be rewarded with a hundred times than what you started with.” Jesus also claims that “many who are first will be last” and “many who are last will be first” (30), but we know this can’t be true because, in the immortal words of the Prophet Reese Bobby in the Book of Talladega Nights, “if you ain’t first, you’re last.”

Matthew 20

Oh good, another parable.

Jesus says that the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who hires people to work in his vineyard and promises to pay them one denarion each. He hires some in the morning, and some in the afternoon, and some in the evening, and at the end of the day he gives them each one denarion. The ones who were working all day are like “This is some bullshit, we’ve been working all day and we make the same amount as the people who’ve only worked an hour?” And the landowner is like “IT’S MY LAND AND MY MONEY AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT AND SOME WHO ARE FIRST ARE LAST AND SOME WHO ARE LAST ARE FIRST MWAHAHAHAHAHA.”

Jesus and his twelve apostles are on their way to Jerusalem when Jesus stops to predict his own death again, telling them in third person that the Human One will be tortured and crucified and then will rise three days later. Then James’s and John’s mother show up to embarrass them in front of their cool friends by asking that Jesus place them at his right and left hand in heaven. Jesus asks if they can drink from the cup that he’s about to drink from (I guess asking if they can withstand torture for their beliefs?) and they say yes, and he’s like “Okay, you’ll drink from my cup, but I don’t have the authority to say who sits where at the heaven-table. That’s my Dad’s job.” The other ten disciples get angry at James and John, which seems uncalled for since Jesus didn’t say he’d give them special seats after all. But Jesus calms them down by saying that whoever wants to be great should debase themselves and serve others, just like the Human One does, and unlike the Gentile rulers who boss everyone else around.

On their way out of Jericho (when did we get to Jericho?), Jesus and the apostles and the crowd of fans are stopped when two blind men by the road start yelling and demanding mercy from the Son of David. Jesus is like “ok what do you want?” And they’re like “to see, duh,” and so he touches their eyes to make them see and then they follow him.

Highlights

Meh.

Lowlights

The parable of the landowner and the whole preceding conversation doesn’t make God sound just at all; it makes him sound power-trippy and flippant and condescending and heartless. And I don’t like the promise that if you abandon your family you’ll be rewarded with a hundred families. It’s as frustrating as in the Book of Job when Job gets a new family to replace the one that God murdered. Family love is about quality, not quantity. You don’t want a new family, or a hundred new families, you want those specific people because you love them. Why is God apparently incapable of understanding that?